Seven handy tips to forget about winter
Happy February 30, everyone! The shortest month of the year is officially over, but it refuses to leave — with temperatures expected to plunge to -18 C next week. Long, long ago, the ancient Romans chose to make freezing February the shortest month, because they hated it. Some Romans wanted to ban February outright and jump straight to warmer months like July. But they compromised and had their gladiators slash the month down to 28 days. Yet this winter, February has rebelled and threatens to invade March — maybe even April. It’s living up to its nickname of ‘’Foreveruary.’’ No wonder many of you are suffering from the February blues, when the whole world looks dark and gloomy. You’re complaining about weather, sidewalks, buses, potholes, your family, your friends and your suddenly meaningless existence. You’re re-thinking your life and wondering if you should do something impulsive — like quit your job and drive as far south as your credit cards last. Perhaps you should become a celibate vegan Mormon bartender in the Yucatan? You desperately need Spring! Fortunately, I’m here to help. So, everyone: I hereby declare that WINTER IS OVER! — and it’s time to find our own inner spring! Here’s how you do it: Rule 1: Stop trying to enjoy winter and start avoiding it. You went skiing after our first snowstorm in November, then tobogganed in December and you’ve been skating ever since — on our frozen Montreal sidewalks. You’ve desperately distracted yourself with exotic new winter hobbies like trapping snowflakes till you find two that are identical. But after 3.5 months of ice, slush and a cold tush, you’ve had it. Winter is a house guest that has outstayed its welcome — and it’s time to evict. Rule 2: Put away your skis, skates and snow shovels in a big container marked Winter 2019-2020. You won’t be using them until then. Take out your tennis racquet, Frisbee and lawn chair even if you only use them in the living room. Haul out the ultimate symbol of spring — the barbecue! Hack it out of your balcony’s glacial ice, defrost it with a hair dryer, then light a match wearing your mittens. You’ll soon be eating hamburger — or steak tartare. Rule 3: Pack away your winter coat and don’t go anywhere you’ll need it — meaning outside — until the mercury rises. There are many interesting places to go in Montreal without going outdoors. Spend a day in the Botanical Garden’s greenhouses, where the temperature is often tropical — and wear your bathing suit! Become an urban mole. Tour the vast Underground Art Festival that starts today during Nuit Blanche, at Place Guy-Favreau. Take a métro right to Cinéma Parc. Finish your indoor day with a lovely jog through 32 kilometres of underground city corridors. Later, if you want to gaze at the night sky, visit the Planetarium. Rule 4: Call city hall and inform them spring is here — maybe they’ll start repairing the streets. Our roads are so bad the potholes are the safest place to drive — because the rest of the road is sheer ice. Some streets are so encrusted they’re practically inaccessible to cars, which is helpful since the roads are mobbed with pedestrians frightened to use the sidewalks. Rule 5: Many of you are spending hours online, searching for a cheap $150 flight, anywhere south of Plattsburgh. If you can’t afford to leave town, treat yourself to a tropical vacation here. Paint one room of your house blinding yellow, then crank up the heat until your house feels like a jungle. Now change into shorts, sandals and Hawaiian shirts — and cool off from the 40-degree heat with iced margaritas. Play salsa music! Dance the rumba! Crank up the heat again! Olé, olé! Rule 6: Stay positive. If you can’t escape your dark mood, try this exercise: Imagine that winter is a large
■ iceberg. Push the imaginary iceberg out
■ into an imaginary lake. Pick up an imaginary rocket
■ launcher and sink the iceberg. Feel better? Uh-oh ... the iceberg is rising to the surface. Sink it again ... And again ... Rule 7: Most importantly: Make no life-changing decisions before the weather turns nice. Do not quit your job, or leave your spouse for your meditation trainer. Do not join the Foreign Legion, or move to Toronto. Put off becoming a celibate Mormon bartender in the Yucatan. Everything will look better in spring — and if it doesn’t, you can always get divorced, leave your job and join the Foreign Legion. Remind yourself: Foreveruary is the price you pay to live in this great city the rest of the year. If it wasn’t for our endless winters there’d be 12 million people living here, sharing our secret. Remember: only 15 more days till the St. Patrick’s Day Parade. If you go, put some spring in your step by wearing sandals — with warm socks and crampons.