What to say (and not say) to a woman’s partner after a miscarriage

In American Sign Language, the sign for miscarriage is two hands rocking an infant that then drop and unfurl with fingers splayed over the lower abdomen, indicating “Gone. Swept away.”

It is a sweeping away, of dreams and assumptions and plans. It’s a redrawing of the shape of your family.

It is common practice to wait until the end of the first trimester before announcing a pregnancy. Because most miscarriages happen within the first eight weeks, couples wait to make sure the baby is “sticky.”

There’s a lot going on in those first few weeks, and it’s not all about growing a baby: a partner will squint at the pee stick to confirm there’s a second pink line, and that the line hasn’t got any paler since yesterday. A partner will make excuses for the secret mother’s sudden exhaustion and might even drink the extra glass of wine at Christmas dinner to keep suspicion at bay. If the miscarriage happens during that secret time, the partner might be the only person who shares the anguish.

Our loss was nine years ago, but I don’t talk about it. Because it wasn’t my body suffering the physical miscarriage and the subsequent, horrible hormone drop, I didn’t feel it was my story. In most ways, it was not. But the heartbreak was. Is.

During the hazy, heavy time after a miscarriage, friends and family might talk to the partner because they don’t know what to say to the mother. Meanwhile, you’re just trying to protect her. People might use your second-hand loss as an excuse to ask questions they shouldn’t — How far along was she? When are you trying again? — as though it isn’t a huge stress on your relationship already. They might make assumptions about your level of sadness based on “how pregnant” your partner was.

Up to 20 per cent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, according to the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada. It usually happens within the first eight weeks, and usually for unknown reasons. You know someone who has gone through it. You know someone’s partner who is grieving as well.

Here are some things you can say to a woman or her partner after a miscarriage.

“You must feel like crap. F--k loss.” This sentiment goes well with a cheesecake or bottle of wine. It also goes well with sitting quietly and leaving your friend space to talk if they need to.

“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” You can follow this up with an invitation to dinner out, or if they have other children, you can offer to babysit.

Can’t talk? Send a card, write a quick note. Let them know they can tell their story.

Here are some things you absolutely should not say.

“It’s OK. You can try again.” Stop. Just stop that. It’s not even a little bit OK — you wouldn’t say this to someone whose dog just died, so don’t say it after the painful loss of a child.

“It wasn’t meant to be.” / “There must have been something wrong with the baby.” There is so much stigma and guilt hanging over miscarriages already — that this isn’t helpful. Step back and take a deep breath and consider how it feels to hear something ’s wrong with you or your child.

October is miscarriage and baby ■ loss awareness month. The McGill University Health Centre offers resources for families that are struggling with loss and fertility issues.