■ IRKED BY BONJOUR-HI: RAVARY,

A law against this greeting would have been ludicrous; still, it makes my ears bleed

No. Non. Niet. Nein. Awa. Ei. Lo. Nahin. Nej. Mauat. I can’t express strongly enough how much I disagree with any attempt, by any government, in any circumstances, to ban any spoken words in any language. For any reason.

Simon Jolin-Barrette’s proposal last week to ban the use of “Bonjour-Hi” was the most ludicrous, stupid and dangerous idea I’d heard in a while. All the good done by the Legault government so far would have evaporated in a puff of smoke; such a move would detract from the government’s insistence it does not seek to discriminate against minorities.

Fortunately, Premier François Legault has now put Jolin-Barrette’s idea to rest.

The world would have laughed at us, like it laughed at us incredulously over Pastagate.

I am dead against a ban on “Bonjour-Hi.” The National Assembly motions, too, were over the top.

And yet, every time I am greeted with “Bonjour-Hi,” my ears bleed. It’s physical, emotional and lies beyond my control. It makes me feel like a stranger in my own home.

Some people don’t get the fact that francophones have only one homeland, Quebec, and one mother tongue. We don’t speak “bilingue.”

Of course, my discomfort varies according to location. A “Bonjour-Hi” in one of the small English-speaking towns and villages in the Pontiac region or in the Townships and even in Montreal West won’t have the same effect it has when spoken by a francophone sales assistant at Carrefour Laval or at a pataterie on Sherbrooke St. East. Or at an SAQ outlet, anywhere.

Downtown poses its own unique problem: What to do with the tourists?

It seems to me that a cheerful “Bonjour” serves everyone best. Surely, visitors to Montreal know that Quebec is French-speaking (no, Montreal is not separate from the ROQ, or rest of Quebec). Being greeted with “Bonjour” reinforces their Quebec experience and helps reinforce Quebec’s branding as a cool, French destination.

Montreal taxis don’t display “Bonjour” on one side and “Hi” on the other.

Trying to understand why “Bonjour-Hi” irks me so much has taken me to bizarre places in my mind and in my heart. It has nothing to do with the fear — which I don’t feel — that anglophones/allophones/anyphones will take over anytime soon. I don’t feel culturally diminished by it, but I feel halved as a person. Most people will only relate to one part of the greeting. It’s either “Bonjour” or “Hi.” Not both.

The human being to whom “Bonjour-Hi” is directed does not exist. Even ultra bilingual people, like moi, will identify with one language over another. For francophones, this identification is a fundamental source of pride, proud as we are to have survived and thrived as a small French-speaking nation known around the world for its unique, vibrant culture, yet surrounded by 360 million English-speakers.

“Bonjour-Hi” does not pose a threat to the Quebec identity but “Bonjour-Hi” is not a greeting that expresses a desire for real human interaction. It is a sales ploy. It says: “Bonjour-Hi doubles my capacity to sell you something.”

This being said, banning it would be a grave mistake. Try enforcing such crazy legislation.

There must be a better way to handle “Bonjour-Hi.”

One idea: stickers that store owners would voluntarily affix to their storefront window with the message “Ici, c’est bonjour!” and see what that does for business.

Or, this tweet from Lesley Chesterman: “The proper greeting is ‘Bonjour’ then wait 20 seconds, and if they’re staring at you blankly say, ‘Hello.’ Problem solved.” I say five seconds is OK.

“Bonjour-Hi” sorted out, let me tell you about “bon matin,” a literal translation of “good morning” that is in vogue among francophones. It, too, makes my ears bleed. The correct morning greeting in French is simply “Bonjour.” Now, dear francophones, how difficult is that? Next lesson: the multitudinous meanings of “ressemble.” Stay tuned.