Leave abusive husband
Dear Annie: I’ve been married to a narcissist, controlling man for 15 years. I am “Frank’s” third wife, and he is my second husband. He has two adult children on their own, and I have two children still in college.
Our married life has been a roller coaster, with many downs and very few ups. There are way too many episodes throughout my marriage to even mention, so I’ll just focus on the most recent.
Frank usually goes to bed around 9 p.m. or so. Last night, I chose to stay up with my 24-year-old son who was home for the weekend. We were watching a movie, when Frank came downstairs in just his underwear and asked what we were doing. I told him we were watching a movie.
He went upstairs to put clothes on and came back down and told my son to move off the couch. He sat there silently watching TV with us. He then created a big blowout in the kitchen, in front of my son. He ranted about how I should go to bed when he goes to bed.
This is just the latest episode in many years of controlling behaviour. And each of those instances, I’ve documented in writing. I honestly can’t remember a single day that he didn’t play a mind game.
He’s been going to therapy, but I don’t think he’s going for the right reasons. It’s been more about talking about me and getting justifications for the way he treats me. He tells me that his therapist said that I should act more like a wife.
I’m feeling so stagnant. I thought about leaving, but I’m so fearful. I’m 51 years old, and I know I have much more to live for.
Dear Married: It’s time to step off this roller coaster and into the rest of your life. While I normally encourage married couples to try counselling before divorce, that advice doesn’t apply in cases where there is abuse. I can’t state conclusively that Frank’s toxic behaviour is emotionally abusive, though I get that impression.
Dear Annie: I would like to weigh in on the subject of elder scams. My in-laws were victims of a scam in which they sent $65,000 dollars to a scammer in order to, they thought, release their grandson from a Mexican jail. They fell for the scam, which has jeopardized their retirement comfort.
What became clear to my husband’s family is the need for professional oversight of their elderly parent’s estate. Establishing a power of attorney, hiring a financial adviser and having a relationship with bank managers early on could have made this tragedy avoidable.
Dear Concerned DIL: It is appalling that anyone would take advantage of another person, especially an elderly person, in such a way. But it is, unfortunately, a fact of modern life and one we should be mindful of as our loved ones age. Thanks for your letter.
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