How Seinfeld’s ‘The Contest’ is relevant in our times

Episode’s unnamed topic offers protection against COVID-19 — at least in one way

What is the connection between Seinfeld and COVID-19? Believe it or not, there is one. And it has to do with perhaps the most clever of all Seinfeld episodes, the one that was titled The Contest.

Although the activity that was the subject of the episode was never mentioned by name, it was clear it was all about Jerry, Kramer, George and Elaine taking matters into their own hands, as it were.

In some circles, this “solitary pursuit” is referred to as “onanism,” a term that first appeared in the early 18th century with an anonymously published pamphlet called Onania. The title derives from the Biblical story of Onan, who got into trouble when he disobeyed a direct order from God to father a child by his brother’s widow. As described in the book of Genesis, instead of impregnating his sister-in-law he “spilled his seed on the ground.” This displeased the Lord and cost Onan his life.

Although the most likely interpretation of “spilling his seed” would seem to be coitus interruptus, in Onania it was interpreted as what one might call self-pleasuring and described as a heinous sin. The pamphlet described the “frightful consequences” of “self-pollution” and offered spiritual and physical advice to those “who have already injured themselves by this abominable practice.”

The injuries described were frightful. Epilepsy, mental illness, tuberculosis, pimples and even blindness were said to be possible outcomes, with the latter giving rise to the joke, “let’s just do it until we need glasses.”

Besides the supposed Biblical admonition, the proposed rationale for the injurious effects was that a sexual act was followed by a sudden feeling of lethargy, and if performed too frequently would leave the body in a diseased state. Sex was to be reserved for procreation.

Sylvester Graham, a 19th-century health guru, after whom the Graham cracker is named, claimed that the loss of an ounce of semen was equivalent to the loss of four ounces of blood, although there was no explanation about how he came to this conclusion. He saw “self-abuse” as the “most criminal, most pernicious, most unnatural” of sexual acts and labelled it a contagious disease that reduced life force and exposed the body to disease and even death.

John Harvey Kellogg, who rose to fame as the founder of the famed Battle Creek Sanitarium where the rich and famous came to be treated for diseases they probably never had, was a devotee of Sylvester Graham and had even more extreme views about sexual activity. He encouraged strict abstention and never consummated his own marriage, although he and his wife adopted close to 40 children.

He called “solitary vice” the most dangerous of all sexual abuses and claimed that there was a connection between food and drink and one’s urges and thoughts. “Irritating foods” such as meat and refined grains stimulate desires, he said.

“A man that lives on pork, fineflour bread, rich pies and cakes, and condiments, drinks tea and coffee, and uses tobacco, might as well try to fly as to be chaste in thought,” Kellogg claimed.

Although John Harvey, together with his brother Will, did invent cornflakes, the popular notion that the cereal was promoted as a means of controlling one’s urges is a myth. The brothers were basically interested in creating an easy-to-digest, healthy, pre-prepared breakfast, although cereal did fit into John Harvey’s “unstimulating” dietary scheme, which had this advice:

Never overeat. (“Gluttony is

■ fatal to chastity and overeating will be certain to cause emissions, with other evils, in one whose organs are weakened by abuse.”)

Eat only twice each day. (“If

■ the stomach contains undigested food, the sleep will be disturbed, dreams will be more abundant, and emissions will be frequent.”)

Don’t eat stimulating food.

■

(“Spices, pepper, ginger, mustard, cinnamon, cloves, essences, all condiments, pickles.”)

Don’t drink stimulating

■ drinks. (“Wine, beer, tea and coffee should be taken under no circumstances. The influence of coffee in stimulating the genital organs is notorious. Chocolate should be discarded. Tobacco, another stimulant, although not a drink, should be totally abandoned at once.”)

Eat and drink plain and bland

■ foods and drinks. (“Eat fruits, grains, milk and vegetables; they are wholesome and unstimulating. Graham flour, oatmeal and ripe fruit are the indispensables of a diet for those who are suffering from sexual excesses.”)

Now we come to the connection with COVID-19. Kellogg would certainly have been against the suggestion seen in some blog posts these days that practising onanism may be helpful in preventing the disease.

What is the rationale for this advice? A 2004 study of 11 male volunteers whose blood levels of natural killer cells increased after self-manipulation. These killer cells target other cells that have been infected by a carcinogen or by a virus. When a cell infected by a virus dies, the virus is also destroyed. However, there is no evidence that ipsism has any protective effect against infection by the SARS-COV-2 virus.

There is one way that the practice might offer protection. After all, it does conform to the advice for physical distancing. Accordingly, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene recently reminded its Twitter followers that, in the age of COVID -19, “you are your safest sex partner.” joe.schwarcz@mcgill.ca

Joe Schwarcz is director of Mcgill University’s Office for Science & Society (mcgill.ca/oss). He hosts The Dr. Joe Show on CJAD Radio 800 AM every Sunday from 3 to 4 p.m.