A masked society faces a multitude of hurdles
I recently overheard this conversation between a masked pharmacist and a masked senior citizen:
Woman: Do you hahb any fyshmxs?
Pharmacist: Sorry ma’am, I didn’t catch that. Do you need a prescrbnshhm for famohhnndnxdine?
Woman: Pardon, I didn’t understand that!
Pharmacist: WHAT … DID … YOU … WANT … MADAM? Woman: Ohhh ... face masks!
Last week, I pushed for making masks mandatory indoors and a day later Legault announced exactly that across Quebec — so glad I could help, Mr. Premier.
As of today, we must all be masked indoors — servers and served alike — even in bars and restaurants. This is obviously the end of “service with a smile” because no one will know the difference.
Also, how we’ll dine in restaurants while masked is a mystery. Maybe it’s time for edible masks?
Mandatory masking indoors is a no-brainer to contain COVID -19, but it will dramatically change how we speak, hear and react to people. For newbie mask-wearers, here’s what to expect:
For starters, masks are hot, sweaty and itchy — and breathing ’s a bit harder. They fog up your glasses and their elastics chafe your ears. As one woman tweeted: “My ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones and face masks. Ears are the NEW PURSE!”
Still, wearing hot sweaty masks is way better than a two- to three-year pandemic that has us all hot and sweating in hospital. But someone should invent a mask with a lens defogger and a tiny cooling fan.
Masks also make communication difficult, especially for those with soft voices or poor hearing. It’s tough detecting sarcasm or subtlety when someone’s muffled and you can’t see their lips.
Maybe that inventor can add a tiny lapel-style mike so we’re all loud and clear, like actors onstage.
In addition, masks hide our emotions, so mass masking will make reading peoples’ expressions harder. I’m working on a film about face recognition, so I’ve learned a bit about faces.
Identifying them is a highly specialized human skill. On average, people can recognize a remarkable 5,000 faces and skilled detectives up to 200,000.
Our brains are so specialized at recognizing faces, we see them where they aren’t — in clouds, rock formations and on the moon. Not to mention people who see Jesus’ face on a slice of toast.
We identify entire faces skilfully, but not portions. A friend who never forgets a face was bike-buying with a salesman for half an hour. Eventually, she stepped outside for an overheated mask break.
Minutes later, the salesman followed, also unmasked, but my friend thought he was a total stranger, until he introduced himself. He was also way younger than she’d imagined.
I already have problems recognizing my waiter amid busy restaurants. When they’re all masked, I’ll never find a waiter again.
Yet another challenge is that our brains are built to decode tiny facial expressions, but that’s nearly impossible when we see only half a face. Are people smiling, frowning or smirking?
Are they angry, or just surprised? — our eyes often appear the same for both emotions. The eyes might be mirrors of the soul, but the mouth is the mouthpiece and easier to read.
We already make many mistakes when interpreting facial expressions. Will we soon have an emotional pandemic because we’re misjudging everyone’s facial language?
Customer: Hey! STOP LAUGHING AT ME under that mask! Clerk: I’m not, sir. I’m licking my upper lip because this mask really itches.
Some nurses now cleverly wear photos of their faces on their uniforms. Maybe we all need personalized masks with photos of our own faces?
You could even touch up the photo as for online dating sites, so you look 10 years younger and have a nose job.
On the plus side, research shows that concealing some of your face makes you more mysterious and attractive. A recent Alberta study on face perception found that less information increases facial attractiveness to others.
The authors concluded: “50 per cent less face produces 40 per cent more attractiveness.” So will we all suddenly be more mysterious and desirable ... when we’re indoors?
Finally, masks are just weird. Many Asian societies are used to them, but masks still seem slightly suspicious here. Last year, if someone with a mask stepped into a bank the staff would press the security alarm.
Now they will if you’re not wearing one.
Another plus is that fast-spreading face recognition doesn’t work when our face is half-covered. So masking will protect us from COVID and cameras. Those who worry about privacy might keep wearing masks long after the pandemic is over.
Meanwhile, here in Quebec, only months ago the government was arguing civil servants couldn’t wear religious face masks, since we have the right to see their faces.
Now all Quebec employees must be masked and you’ll complain if you do see their faces.
Overall, I’m all for mandatory masking, but I’m also praying for that edible mask with a microphone, defogger, breathing snorkel, fan and a photo of my face 20 years ago when I had hair.
Welcome to the masquerade. joshfreed49@gmail.com