Friend needs support, not a rescue operation

Dear Annie: I have a dear male friend, “Trey,” who is in quite a predicament. Some background on him: He suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of his mother when he was a child.

His current problem is that he is in a loveless marriage. He and his wife have been married 32 years. But five years into their marriage, after they'd had a child together, she told him that she was gay and had been having an affair. He gave her a choice: live with her new lover or stay with him. She chose to stay with Trey. He thought he could piqué her sexual interest in men again. This never happened. He has been celibate for 27 years. He and his wife live as roommates, each sleeping in separate rooms.

Trey has told me that his wife has a very violent temper; that she flies into a rage and destroys things when she's angry. He's told me that he doesn't love her. He said that he guesses he is still there just due to habit.

Is he staying in this relationship because he feels comfortable with a violent woman due to his history with his mother? Otherwise, why would a man stay in this situation, having the ability, funds and intelligence to leave and make another life for himself — a life that would be more satisfying and possibly filled with love?

We talk often, and I try to help and give support, but he tends to become angry when we go deep into the reasons why he is still living with a lesbian wife, in a sexless marriage and not living his full potential. I could even see a possible relationship with him if I make the first move to change our friendship to more.

What is happening in this odd relationship? Should I help, or just leave things as they are between us as friends and not try to get involved any further?

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled: Plenty of smart, successful people end up in abusive relationships. Yes, your friend's childhood trauma could have predisposed him to this, though I can't say that for sure. But why he's in this marriage is less important than what you can do to support him as a friend with the hope that he eventually gets out of it.

First, I urge you not to initiate a romantic relationship with him. Even if and when he does leave his wife, he will need time, space and, most of all, therapy to process the lifetime of abuse he has endured. Also, to try dating him now could seriously endanger him if his wife were to find out and retaliate. (Abuse is about control, not sex.)

You can find available support and crisis lines in every province at the website endingviolencecanada.org.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at creators.com.