YOUNG, QUEER AND AFRAID OF REJECTION
Coming out to parents and family has not gotten easier, data collected over the past 15 years shows. Hayley Juhl examines a worrisome trend.
For many children, the pressure of being closeted doesn't end when they go home at the end of the day. Parental acceptance remains a worry — and the problem has grown worse in the last 15 years. Hayley Juhl reports in
There are children in school hallways wearing masks.
Not the masks mandated for Quebec schools to fight COVID-19.
These masks are the kind they don't take off even when they come home at the end of the day.
For lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, two-spirit and queer youth who haven't come out, “keeping yourself in the closet is really painful because you're the only one who knows it hurts,” said a gender-fluid student at a high school in the Eastern Townships. “It hurts you emotionally, it hurts you mentally. It just doesn't feel good.”
The 14-year-old student, who uses the pronouns she or they, asked that the Montreal Gazette not use their name. They asked that we not use a name at all, because they could be any kid in any school.
And this is a teenager who says their mother is very supportive.
A British Columbia study shows that over the past 15 years, lesbian, gay and bisexual youth report their perception of acceptance from their families has diminished. Yet at the same time, heterosexual youth have become more likely to say their families are supportive of them, according to the study, which was co-authored by Hilary Rose, an associate professor at Concordia University.
The discrepancies over time between gay youth and their heterosexual counterparts are found in an immense amount of data gathered since 1998 through the British Columbia Adolescent Health Survey. The anonymous survey of around 35,000 students between the ages of 12 and 19 is conducted every five years and shows “waves” of change. While the survey covers issues like general health and well-being, there are also sections where students can rate such statements as “I think my mother loves me” or “I think my father supports me.”
The researchers were surprised by the answers because of the general perception that there is growing acceptance in Canada of people from sexual minorities. The answers reveal the child's perception, so the true level of familial support cannot be known, Rose said in an interview. “However, when we get data from 30,000 kids, it's telling you something.”
Multi-generational research has shown that baby boomers were most likely to come out around age 26. For Gen-xers, it was around 22. Millennials? 17.
“This newer generation, if they're coming out to their parents on average at age 17, they're still in school, they're still living at home,” Rose said. “Those kids have more to lose if their parents aren't supportive. In those previous generations, if you didn't come out till you were 26, then it's like, `Hey, I'm independent, I have my own apartment, you're not supporting me, and by the way I'm gay.' That's a whole different story than if you're 17 and you've still got another year of high school and you're under their roof. I mean, being 17 is hard enough, isn't it?”
Children who are in a marginalized group at school because of their ethnicity or religion usually go home to families who identify with them, while lesbian and gay kids don't always have that.
“I haven't really come out to my family because I was brought up in a strict, old-fashioned household where the idea of homosexuality wasn't a good thing or something to be accepted, I guess,” said Tony, a 16-year-old Montreal student who asked that his real name not be used. He said he's not fully out as bisexual with his family or in school because of the threat of being bullied or tormented.
“It's especially hard being Black and coming out as bisexual or even gay,” Tony said. “I'm just scared that if I were to come out and say it, everything would change, and not for the better.
“Maybe the day I come out I will be in my 30s or my 80s,” Tony said. For others who are considering talking openly, he said, “If they are my age and have the balls to do that, congrats to them. ... Do it when you feel ready and comfortable, and if you choose to come out to friends, make sure it's the right moment for you inside, and to the right people.”
The youth in the Eastern Townships came out to their mother in the summer of 2019. She was supportive, but at first wasn't sure what was meant by being gender-fluid — when a person does not identify strictly as male or female. “My mom did think I was part of the LGB community, but she thought I was lesbian.
“I was really afraid because I'd heard stories of people being disowned by their parents. My mom is from a very religious background, so I was very worried she'd be like, `Well, God says no, you can't do that.' I expected to get thrown out onto the streets, so it really surprised me.”
School staff also have been supportive, as have close friends. It's been harder with other students.
“I'm not publicly out, because I don't want to be harassed about it. When someone misgenders me, I'm like, `Nooo, you're not getting it right.' But I don't say anything because I don't want them to ask me too many questions that are uncomfortable or personal.”
Gay-straight Alliances, or GSAS, within schools can be a bridge. There are a few in Quebec, Rose said, but studies have shown the longer a GSA operates in a school, the safer kids feel.
“But here's the part that's really interesting: Not only do the kids who identify as gay and lesbian or bi feel safer in their school, but the heterosexual kids feel safer, too. We weren't expecting this. But making kids feel safe makes all kids feel safe — and of course that makes sense.”
At the youth's school in the Eastern Townships, there is a gender-neutral washroom and changing rooms. Old signs from the 1960s designating the “boys' gym” and “girls' gym” have been removed. The student says they would join a GSA if there were one in the school and has ideas for other things the administration can do.
Judith Munger, the librarian at Alexander Galt High School in Sherbrooke, is an example of what can work. She has designed her space in the large school to be welcoming.
“I think of Galt as a small village,” she said. “All the aisles are the streets, and you have different people living on the streets. You don't know who is living in all the houses.”
She stocks the library with books with gay characters — not necessarily as the main character, but represented — and in Secondary 1, each class reads at least one book that has a character from the LGBTQ+ community. The books have a rainbow sticker wrapped around the spine so the sticker can be seen no matter how the book is placed on the shelf. She reads every book and says some students might look through them out of curiosity or because they have a gay family member.
“The adventures, the good vs. evil, the storylines are great, but it just happens that some of the characters are bisexual or whatever.”
Teachers can't know all the students, but every student comes through the library, making Munger central to creating a safe space. She wants students to reach out if they or their friends are having trouble.
“If you know something's wrong or something's odd, reach out. That's all we ask of them. The rest is not their responsibility. Be a good friend. Be kind. That's all we can ask.”
Other things schools can do: “I imagine a student lounge-esque kind of area but it's for people who aren't judgmental,” the Eastern Townships student said.
“Anybody can go there and you can't cast judgment on anybody else. I wish the school could educate the other students on the subject more. ... Have something in class or a Ted-talk-esque-type thing in the auditorium. Just something that explains to students about the community.”
They emphasized that there is no one-size-fits-all advice — that how a student approaches their parents, friends or school depends on the situation they're living in. They said if they feel the need to say something, they should do it to make themselves feel better, not for anyone else.
“If there are consequences, then just know that it's not your fault. You're not the one being judgmental.
“It's not going to change your entire view of a person. It's not like you're a terrorist. You shouldn't be, `I'm so sorry, Mommy, I'm so sorry.' It's not abnormal. It's not strange. It's just who you are. You wouldn't go around telling people you're straight. Nobody knows that.
“It's the exact same thing.”
This newer generation, if they're coming out to their parents on average at age 17, they're still living at home. Those kids have more to lose if their parents aren't supportive.