Marriage lost its spark

Dear Annie: I have been married for 10 years this month. I am at the end of my rope with my husband.

He was a widower when we met, and he was very affectionate and romantic. But now, for him to try to be romantic or affectionate is like a chore. This is the first time I have experienced somebody who is emotionally lazy.

I find myself wondering why I’m even in this relationship still, because there is no financial support, no sex life and no emotional support of any kind. I do love him and have asked that he go to counselling, but he does not see that he has a problem.

Is there any way that I can get him to revive our emotional life?

Emotionally Starved

Dear Emotionally Starved: The fact that he was affectionate and romantic in the beginning shows that you had a spark and you have the potential to get it back. It’s called the honeymoon phase for a reason; it doesn’t necessarily last unless you work at it. And working at it takes two. Ask yourself whether you are affectionate and romantic with him. It could be that you noticed him getting lazy and your reaction was to subconsciously pull away or push him to the point where boundaries are blurred.

He could also be suffering from depression, which can show up as avoidance. Regardless of what is going on between his ears, a good trained professional will help you get to the root of it. If you want this marriage to work, outside support is absolutely needed. And instead of recommending counselling for him, why not go to couples therapy?

Dear Annie: In reading the letter from Disappointed, who was upset that her son’s girlfriend doesn’t help with meal cleanup, I wanted to share what works for my husband and me.

I remember being stunned and appalled when going to my then-boyfriend’s house for large family dinners where the women were expected to do all of the cooking and cleaning, and the men sat around chatting or watching ball games.

There is no mention in the letter about what the men are doing, but it’s clear they are not involved in any of the labour (except maybe carving the turkey). The girlfriend’s refusal to help is a bit rude, but why is she expected to pitch in and not the son? Perhaps if the son were regularly participating in the work, his guest would be, too.

My husband and I have a rule: Whoever cooks cleans. We trade off cooking for everyday meals and share the labour when entertaining. I’m thankful that he didn’t absorb his family’s relegation of the grunt work to women. Everyone Should Chip In

Dear Everyone Should Chip In: I couldn’t agree more. What a great compromise.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at creators.com.