Paranoid boyfriend ignores my boundaries
Dear Annie: I recently reconnected with a man I was engaged to as a young girl. We broke up because of a misunderstanding. Now, decades later, we have reunited.
He is loving and kind most of the time. However, when he feels I have slighted him, he will tell me that he's breaking up with me because of some supposed slight that I have committed against him. Usually, it's something small, like being unavailable on a specific day or saying I have to go someplace and cannot message him for a while. He then accuses me of infidelity and/or not loving him “enough.”
I have spoken to him many times about personal boundaries, and the life that I am enjoying living and have enjoyed for many years without him. Confused Lady
Dear Confused Lady: Threatening to leave you after the slightest disagreement is a form of verbal abuse. It sounds like he's trying to gaslight you into spending all your time with him — and such controlling behaviour is certainly a red flag. That said, constantly reminding him of the life you “enjoyed for many years without him” probably only fuels his insecurities.
I would seek the guidance of a couples therapist to help set appropriate boundaries.
Dear Annie: I have been in this relationship for 12 years now, and I love my boyfriend very much. A few years into our relationship, I caught him signing up for dating sites.
At first, his excuse was that “it was old stuff from before we got together.” Well, at one point, he had a profile on 172 dating sites. Every time I would confront him, it was a different lie, and then it got to where he would turn it around and make it my fault. He tells me it's nothing and that he never talks to anyone on them.
He had cancer in 2014, and from chemo and all the treatment, his physical performance is not at its best, so we don't even have sex anymore, which I have come to understand that if I want to be with him, is something I have to deal with. I'm OK with that, but I'm not OK that I'm doing without while he checks out dating sites. I am seriously considering leaving him because I feel very disrespected and belittled by his actions. Lost but in Love
Dear Lost: Similar to “Confused Lady,” in the first part of today's column, it sounds like your boyfriend, too, is a gaslighter. Turning his infidelity, curiosity or boredom into your fault is clear manipulation.
“Disrespected” and “belittled” are never ways you should feel in a relationship. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
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