Do­ing the Pa­per Work

Moose Jaw - - Opinions -

Last week I had the bad ex­pe­ri­ence of my an­nual spring cold and all the un­pleas­ant­ness that comes with a “code in­dah node” or a cold in the nose. I can go years with­out get­ting the flu but I seem to get a code…er a cold some­time in March, ev­ery March, and when I say the node…er nose, I mean my si­nuses, which will run like the South Saskatchewan River in the spring runoff. Ex­pe­ri­ence and thrifty­ness has taught me to im­me­di­ately tie a roll of toi­let pa­per (TP) around my neck for the few days it will take to kick the cold and save tens of dol­lars by not us­ing Kleenex (the au­thor ac­knowl­edges Kleenex is a brand name and does not en­dorse the prod­uct) or other fa­cial tis­sues. While I am wan­der­ing around the house wear­ing a roll of toi­let pa­per, I will of­ten stop to pon­der the mean­ing of life, or, some other uses or im­prove­ments that TP could use. One of my first im­prove­ments for TP and runny nodes…er noses would be men­thol scented or flavoured to soothe and en­hance the nose blow­ing/wip­ing ex­pe­ri­ence. Be­lieve it or not, there are high-end TP’s that have fra­grances. By high end TP I am re­fer­ring to the cost and not the lo­ca­tion of use.

TP could have so many en­ter­tain­ing uses…If TP could multi task, that would make it much friend­lier to my world. I com­plete at least one cross­word puz­zle dur­ing my morn­ing bath­room “ex­pe­ri­ence”, and I think if the two types of pa­per work were com­bined by print­ing the puz­zles on the TP, it might solve, my and per­haps the uni­verses, prob­lems. It would also al­low me to con­ve­niently use the con­ve­nience to flush any un­solved cross­word puz­zles that have too many big words for my 4 years of grade 8 ed­u­ca­tion. Su­doku play­ers could get printed clues on solv­ing their puz­zle by hav­ing the num­ber one and num­ber two printed strate­gi­cally. There are so many en­ter­tain­ing things that could be printed on TP, such as ad­ver­tis­ing or pic­tures of hated peo­ple (Pres­i­dent Spanky comes to mind) …or even rulers… the mea­sur­ing kind not Kings or Queens. But what or why would you mea­sure in the bath­room?…Er, never mind. I did not think about that state­ment. Ob­vi­ously, some­one would TP mea­sure the square footage of the bath­room for the next ren­o­va­tion. Another way for TP to mul­ti­task would be to have a “Ticker Tape” fea­ture that savvy in­vestors could dis­cover what the stock mar­kets were do­ing and maybe avoid get­ting “wiped” out that day.

I have of­ten won­dered if rich peo­ple would have a rack of dif­fer­ent TPs rolls, like a wine cel­lar where you could choose from

10 or 12 va­ri­eties, de­pend­ing on your needs or whims. “Is it a two ply day or a three ply?”. There are many types of coloured TPs. Even though that sounds po­lit­i­cally in­cor­rect, it just means that some fancy schmancy folks want their TP to co­or­di­nate with the bath­room dé­cor. When I win the lot­tery, I will have a TP con­nois­seur’s col­lec­tion rack in­stalled my “of­fice”, with choices of scented, em­bossed and cross­word-printed that will colour co­or­di­nate with the walls of my “of­fice”, which is where the pa­per work gets done…in the end.

One thing I do know for sure, a se­nior’s life is a lot like toi­let pa­per. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes, and be­fore you say how bad that joke was, I will con­fess…it was tear-able.

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