Doing the Paper Work
Last week I had the bad experience of my annual spring cold and all the unpleasantness that comes with a “code indah node” or a cold in the nose. I can go years without getting the flu but I seem to get a code…er a cold sometime in March, every March, and when I say the node…er nose, I mean my sinuses, which will run like the South Saskatchewan River in the spring runoff. Experience and thriftyness has taught me to immediately tie a roll of toilet paper (TP) around my neck for the few days it will take to kick the cold and save tens of dollars by not using Kleenex (the author acknowledges Kleenex is a brand name and does not endorse the product) or other facial tissues. While I am wandering around the house wearing a roll of toilet paper, I will often stop to ponder the meaning of life, or, some other uses or improvements that TP could use. One of my first improvements for TP and runny nodes…er noses would be menthol scented or flavoured to soothe and enhance the nose blowing/wiping experience. Believe it or not, there are high-end TP’s that have fragrances. By high end TP I am referring to the cost and not the location of use.
TP could have so many entertaining uses…If TP could multi task, that would make it much friendlier to my world. I complete at least one crossword puzzle during my morning bathroom “experience”, and I think if the two types of paper work were combined by printing the puzzles on the TP, it might solve, my and perhaps the universes, problems. It would also allow me to conveniently use the convenience to flush any unsolved crossword puzzles that have too many big words for my 4 years of grade 8 education. Sudoku players could get printed clues on solving their puzzle by having the number one and number two printed strategically. There are so many entertaining things that could be printed on TP, such as advertising or pictures of hated people (President Spanky comes to mind) …or even rulers… the measuring kind not Kings or Queens. But what or why would you measure in the bathroom?…Er, never mind. I did not think about that statement. Obviously, someone would TP measure the square footage of the bathroom for the next renovation. Another way for TP to multitask would be to have a “Ticker Tape” feature that savvy investors could discover what the stock markets were doing and maybe avoid getting “wiped” out that day.
I have often wondered if rich people would have a rack of different TPs rolls, like a wine cellar where you could choose from
10 or 12 varieties, depending on your needs or whims. “Is it a two ply day or a three ply?”. There are many types of coloured TPs. Even though that sounds politically incorrect, it just means that some fancy schmancy folks want their TP to coordinate with the bathroom décor. When I win the lottery, I will have a TP connoisseur’s collection rack installed my “office”, with choices of scented, embossed and crossword-printed that will colour coordinate with the walls of my “office”, which is where the paper work gets done…in the end.
One thing I do know for sure, a senior’s life is a lot like toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes, and before you say how bad that joke was, I will confess…it was tear-able.