A Canadian loss, Hans down
Tourists try to settle fight with Danes with a few swift kicks
On the Arctic Circle last week, a gallant group of Canadians fought for national honour against agents of the empire of Denmark. The confrontation took place on a half-sized gravel soccer pitch in Itilleq, a Peggy’s Cove-picturesque fishing village of 133 souls on Greenland’s west coast.
On one side, the Itilleq soccer team, a swift and skilled band of tireless young Inuit hunters and fishermen. On the other, an ageing but game group of Canadian tourists and Adventure Canada staff from the good ship M/V Explorer, wrapping up a 10-day expeditionary cruise through the high Arctic.
Eight times before, Adventure Canada cruises had stopped in Itilleq for a challenge soccer match. Eight times the Itilleq team, the South Greenland champions, had skunked our side, usually by embarrassing margins.
This time, though, the Canadians had added motivation. The dispute with Denmark over the high Arctic speck of rock known as Hans Island put a geopolitical spin on the contest.
Greenland, a self-governing territory of Denmark, served as a handy surrogate for the dastardly Danes. Victory over the Itilleq team would thus send a symbolic message to Copenhagen: Don’t mess with Johnny Canuck.
Hans Island had been top of mind for many on the Adventure Canada trip. The voyage had taken us through ice-choked waters as far north as Smith Sound off Ellesmere Island, and more than a few on board wanted to push the final few hundred kilometres to the barren but now strategically vital Arctic rock.
In the Explorer’s forward lounge, well-lubricated passengers defiantly belted out newly penned lyrics to the martial song, Keep Your Hands Off Hans, Hans.
Even more provocatively, the Explorer’s passengers and staff escalated hostilities by claiming Greenland for Canada in trade for Hans Island during a solemn ceremony at Kap York on Greenland’s northwest coast. Only Denmark’s utter ignorance of the event prevented major diplomatic repercussions.
We prepped for the showdown with Itilleq with a warmup game against a team from Qeqertarsuaq, a town of about a thousand on Greenland’s Disko Island.
The Qeqertarsuaq team was composed of wiry 10- to 12-yearolds who sought to intimidate us before the game by blasting shots off the school that resounded like artillery fire.
But the tiny schoolyard playing field and hockey-sized nets neutralized their skill advantage. We potted a couple of typically Canadian goals off scrambles, and used our size to clog up the overcrowded field and limit scoring opportunities. Whenever a shot did get through, Ted “Eric the Red” Abbott, the pride of Brockville, was there to block it. Final score: Canada 2, Greenland ( Denmark) 0.
After the final whistle, someone unfurled a Canadian flag and several patriots broke into a rousing chorus of O Canada. If that seems disproportionate for a victory over a group of prepubescent schoolboys, you must remember this was Adventure Canada’s first-ever soccer win in Greenland, a hopeful portent for the main event the next day.
Still, we knew we’d be in tough against Itilleq. Their players weren’t boys but grown men who could make a soccer ball dance. Many of ours had never played the game before.
In years past, the Adventure Canada team had pulled out all the stops in search of victory. Once, it had flooded the field with about 30 players. Another time the Canadians used hockey sticks. They lost anyway. We could only pray that Hans Island would provide winning inspiration.
We arrived in Itilleq under leaden skies that mirrored our growing sense of foreboding. The hamlet’s 30 or so buildings — a kaleidoscope of blue, purple, red, pink, yellow and lime green — sit on a rocky headland surrounded by water on three sides. The soccer field occupies a place of honour at the village’s centre.
Itilleq’s team, garbed in white, delivered an early message by rattling a shot off a goalpost a minute into the game. Soon after, our formerly impregnable goalie, Eric the Red, cleared the ball directly to an Itilleq player, who blasted it into the open net. Greenland 1, Canada 0.
Undeterred, Canada’s outmanned players used hustle and a few timely headers to generate some offence of their own. They were rewarded when they scored from in close to tie the game.
The action raged up and down the field — with frequent excursions to parts of the village far removed from the soccer pitch — before Itilleq’s star player scored from a rocky ledge just off the playing field.
The Canucks fought back, narrowly missing the equalizer on several occasions. But after a bullet shot by Itilleq’s Maradona beat Eric the Red, the game appeared to be slipping from reach.
As the second half began, Itilleq pressed its advantage, coming close on a series of corner kicks. Then, a miracle. From midfield, a Canadian forward uncorked a looping kick that curled over the outstretched hands of the Itilleq goalie and dropped under the crossbar. Greenland 3, Canada 2!
A ragged wave rippled through the suddenly re-energized Canadian fans. Three women formed an impromptu cheerleading squad, inventing chants on the spot. “ What a goalie, holy moley, what a goalie,” they cried when Eric the Red made a save.
For a time it appeared that an honourable tie — or dare we hope, an upset victory — was within reach. Then, as tends to happen, reality asserted itself.
Itilleq scored on a breakaway. Then a Canadian player rapped the ball into his own net after an errant clearing attempt. Greenland 5, Canada 2.
Though tiring visibly, the Canadians kept plugging away. At one point, one sent an opponent sprawling with what was unmistakably a body check.
But in the end, the competition was just too stiff. Itilleq poured in three late goals before the whistle mercifully ended things. Final score: 8- 2 Itilleq.
Afterwards our players peeled off their red jerseys and presented them to their opponents, proving yet again that Canadians are unparalleled at the art of losing gracefully.
Oh yes, about Hans Island: next time, hockey.