Ode to a lost love
THIS WEEK THE LIFE OF A BLACKBERRY AS IMAGINED BY TRISTIN HOPPER
MONDAY
I really don’t understand all this. One day, I wake up and it’s like I’m looking into the eyes of a stranger. For years, I could please you with a trackball, but then suddenly you changed, and I couldn’t make you happy without a touchscreen. And then you wanted Skype, and Twitter and God knows what else. Why can’t you just love me for the phone I was when you first met me at RadioShack all those years ago? I’ve still got the fastest messaging and email, even if you made me get rid of my keyboard. Do superior battery life and the gentle caress of a blinking red light mean nothing to you anymore?
TUESDAY
I haven’t seen the Playbook in months. However bad it’s been for me, I always know she’s going through much worse. Sure, she couldn’t really do much, but she was never, ever late — and never raised her voice. It re+lly brings a te+r to my eye just to think of — oh cr+p, is threr m+istur- in the keyb+ard ag-in? Hodv th, Ig; jusgy. Whf ha3 a’x dork>ane mg?1tgtgtgtgtgtgtgtgtgtgtgtgtgtgtgtgtg.
WEDNESDAY
Remember that first time you were travelling abroad and when a foreigner found out you were Canadian, he excitedly pulled me out of his pocket and showed it to you? For once, he wasn’t asking you whether Trudeau was still prime minister or whether Canadians really said “eh?”. He was showing you the cutting edge of smartphone technology. We Canadians were no longer just lumberjacks and roughnecks, we were high-tech pioneers. Forget the Avro Arrow and the Canadarm; we had a non-maple syrup export that the U.S. president himself was clipping to his belt. Remember that before you leave me for a soulless California tramp that doesn’t even respect you enough to let you change your own batteries. Is that skank iPhone ever going to bring a hockey team to Ontario? Is Tim Cook going to transform an old whisky town into Silicon Valley North? Would Apple ever preload your iPad with heartwarming NFB cartoons? No Flash? Who are they to s-
THURSDAY
[No service]
FRIDAY
I buzzed with excitement when you got that acceptance email from McGill. I told you to rush to the hospital that August evening when your wife went into labour with your first daughter. I sat up all night with you last December while you anxiously waited for the diagnosis. I watched over you by constantly dialling 911 and made sure to randomly deactivate silent mode just so you wouldn’t miss any important calls. You held me in your arms before I could even play video and music. If this is the end, Canada, I’m not ready to say goodbye.