The Dark Knight rises and shines a light on the nerds
This weekend marks a very important date on the nerd calendar: the release of The
Dark Knight Rises. But the excitement to see the new Batman film has spilled out of the Realm of Nerds and infected the general populace; people of all stripes are jacked to see this movie. And so it’s time to ask ourselves if we’ve lost our collective minds.
It’s an event so highly anticipated that when a movie reviewer had the temerity to not like the movie earlier this week, he received death threats. Death threats! Of course, a nerd working up the spine to attack someone is not only wildly improbable, but also adorable. For the moment, we’re safe.
That said, woe to the first reviewer to reveal any plot points. For the nerds want no spoilers. Website comments sections are full of nerds-in-arms, rising up themselves to defend their right to watch the movie untainted by anything other than their own lifetime’s mental fan fiction. The weird part is, this is over a movie about a comic book that has been in print for half a century, and the movie is based on a story, Knightfall, that is almost 20 years old. In other words, the nerds are angry about being told something they almost certainly already know.
But they can’t stay mad for long, for this is Nerdvana, the nerd version of the Hindu ideal of a perfect state of single-pointed concentration. In this case, the point involves the most important question in the world — discovering whether or not Batman will have sex with Catwoman (one assumes). It’s a very exciting moment in time, to see the world’s best filmmaker take on a long-known and beloved character. It’s like living in 1979 and seeing Martin Scorsese make a movie about Evel Knievel. That sounds like it would be great, and also makes me wish I had a time machine and the clout to have Scorsese take my calls.
Of course, The Dark Knight Rises is not the only movie coming out this weekend, which raises the question — who wouldn’t want to see Batman? And where are we likely to find these people? Fisherman out at sea, perhaps. Syria? Not to put too fine a point on it, but they have bigger things to worry about over there. I suppose the directors and stars of the nonChristian Bale/Christopher Nolan movies might give it a pass — no one wants to see themselves receive imaginary Participant ribbons. Is that the whole list of non-attendees?
So what of these other movies, cursed with the same release date as the Defining Film of Our Generation? Perhaps Moving Day or The Queen of Versailles can become a breakout hit, when sad moviegoers find sold
out Batman showings and decide to see whatever else is playing. That might sound ridiculous, but it launched the careers of Ben Affleck and Matt
Damon when Good Will Hunting opened opposite Titanic. In a couple of years, Charlie Murphy might be the new Jason Bourne! That’s how you know a movie is powerful — when it can make a star out of a completely unrelated movie.
This also marks the weekend that the Nerd Army’s dream of acceptance come to life. The cul
tural strength of the Nolan-led Batman films is converting all kinds of people into nerds. It’s like a real-life zombie movie, except the zombies have an opinion about who would win in a fight between Wolverine and Captain America.
Hopefully, the general populace will keep in mind that this is just a movie, like many before. Not a revolution, and certainly not an occasion for death threats. Nerds becoming violent would be the greatest fear for all of us — a repressed, mocked people finally gathering the strength to seize power? It would be an onslaught like we’ve never seen, and we may be ill-equipped to defend ourselves. In need of a saviour, we might then find ourselves searching for a Batman of our own.