Through the haze
MONDAY
Now, I want everyone to calm down amid all this talk of a Russian “invasion” of Crimea. All we know at this point is that Crimea has been invaded by some kind of paramilitary group that speaks Russian, wears Russian military uniforms, carries Russian weapons and drives Russian military vehicles. We must be prudent: There is still a distinct chance this is all merely a spontaneous uprising by a well-trained, well-equipped, independent fifth column that just happened to be in Crimea this whole time. I’m sure Russia is just as surprised as we are.
TUESDAY
I’m receiving reports this morning Russia is planning to annex Crimea. That was fast and, uh … unexpected. I mean, who annexes territory anymore? Anyway, no need to be alarmed, everyone, the United States of America is here and will not stand for this kind of 19th-century territory-grabbing. As of this writing, my government has decisively suspended the presidential delegation to the Paralympic Games, placed a 36% tariff on Russian caviar imports and we are strongly reconsidering our attendance at the upcoming G8 summit in Sochi. I suspect Mr. Putin is already frantically drawing up an exit strategy.
WEDNESDAY
I was extremely proud today to meet with Ukraine’s new government. They face difficult days ahead: A ravaged treasury, a divided citizenry, political disarray and, to top it off, threat of a foreign invasion. But take heart, I told my Ukrainian brothers, for even the mighty United States has known such uncertainty, but in the end the forces of justice and democracy have always prevailed. And while I couldn’t really offer them much economic, military or even diplomatic aid, I offered these inspiring words from George Washington, “Make the most of the Indian hemp seed, and sow it everywhere!”
THURSDAY
It was in Paris today I had my first meeting with Russian Foreign Affairs Minister Sergey Lavrov. At a secret location in the 18th arrondissement, I entered a conference room filled with thick cigar smoke. Through the haze I saw Mr. Lavrov seated at a massive oak table flanked by two black-suited guards. A pair of Dobermans tethered to his chair growled at my approach. “Could you please stop smoking, Mr. Lavrov?” I said. “It’s very rude.” He ignored me. “Mr. Kerry,” he said. “We have an expression in Russia: ‘Draw not your bow till your arrow is fixed.’ You assure me that the United States has no intention of confrontation. You have not come here to threaten me or to bribe me, so what, I ask, have you come here to say?” I was about to answer, when I suddenly remembered to hand him a message from NASA asking how soon until we could launch another rocket from Star City. Bad timing, in hindsight.
FRIDAY
You know something? I think Ukraine will be just fine. While it is obviously not ideal that Russia was able to seize 26,000 square kilometres of foreign territory without firing a shot, I am confident the Kremlin has gotten the message these types of things are simply unacceptable. And besides, should America really be meddling in European affairs? This kind of seems like something France should be doing — or maybe Germany. So … I guess I’m done here. But hey, since I’m in the neighbourhood, I should fly over to Jerusalem and see if they’re dismantling those settlements like we asked. Or Syria … I wonder how Syria’s doing?