Sic transit gloria Tims
Well, it was a heck of a ride, Tim Hortons. In a dizzying half-century, you went from one location in Hamilton, Ont., to undisputed champion of Canadian doughnut chains, national icon, backdrop to a thousand political photo ops, symbol of Canadian unity. You were the Canadian everyman’s quick service food experience — the folksy, working-class Fresh Prince to snooty Starbucks’s Carlton Banks. And you were merciless: wherever Country Style, Robin’s, Coffee Time, Donut Diner, Mister Donut, Dunkin’ Donuts, Krispy Kreme or — God help them — some independent slinger of fried dough was prospering, you lay in wait, fingers tented, cackling, scheming.
Oh, there had long been signs of hubris: abandoning the deep-fryers for centrally made frozen products rethermed in-store (“baked fresh” indeed), then selling the factory to the Swiss, who know nothing of doughnuts; the treasonous dalliances with the Yankees at Wendy’s, Cold Stone Creamery and Burger King; “toasted” bagels only slightly warmed on the cut sides; leathery egg patties atop too-doughy English muffins masquerading as “breakfast sandwiches”; the abandonment of the beloved bread bowl; dark roast coffee. Who is dark roast coffee for, Tim Hortons? Is the Duke of Westminster coming to visit?
But now, Tim Hortons, it has finally happened. Finally you flew too close to the sun, your honey-glazed wings melted, and down you plummeted into the sea, arms flapping uselessly against the inevitable. You started showing commercials in some of your stores. You sold an advertisement to Enbridge. Then, because someone who doesn’t like pipelines asked, you decided to stop showing that commercial. And that, sadly, is how your tale shall end.
Canadians care about oil pipelines, Tim Hortons. They want oil pipelines built. Yesterday. Well, some of them do. And Enbridge builds pipelines. It employs thousands of your customers — your people — in Alberta’s oilpatch. And yet, you have “declared war on Canada’s energy industry,” as Ezra Levant’s new venture Rebel Media puts it. There is a fullscale boycott, supported by radio ads. Sixes of people are protesting on the streets of Calgary. And what’s worse — the kiss of death — Canadian politicians are getting in on the action, throwing all the mighty weight of their credibility behind the boycott.
“I’ll pick up my Tims coffee again when they decide to apologize for taking jabs at our industry, which is so important to Albertans,” said Wildrose Leader Brian Jean — who is also reportedly a fan of Tims mint tea. Minister of State for Western Economic Diversification Michelle Rempel is on board with the boycott. Minister of National Defence Jason Kenney tweeted that he was “proud to represent thousands of constituents who work for @Enbridge & other CDN energy companies.” By the time this editorial appears, heaven knows how many more leading Canadian lights will have signed on. In Friday trading on the TSX, shares of Restaurant Brands International, Tim Hortons’ parent company, were up only 1.2 per cent. And the #boycotttims movement has only just begun.
Enjoy your Timmys while ye may, Canadians. It’s easier than you think to throw away a coffee-and-crullers empire worth $700 million in Q1 2015 revenue. All it takes is one cancelled in-store advertisement.