Fed up with the big three?

Here on this 586th day of General Election #42, it has become clear some voters find the leaders of all three major political parties unpalatable.

Yet on Oct. 19, most of those voters will hold their breath and vote anyway. They will make this decision based on a loose understanding of the political ideologies at play and a gut-level whim.

If the imperfection of democracy overwhelms you, it would be tempting to turtle entirely, focusing instead on the beauty of a Canadian autumn, the joys of your children, the comforts of home, or a vain hope that J.J. Abrams doesn’t mess up the next Star Wars sequel.

This, fellow Canadians, would be a mistake.

As citizens (you’re STILL a citizen, right?), you have a moral obligation to cast a ballot. And all of us have a third option: the protest vote.

On that note, here is a quick summary of your alternatives. This is how to make the most out of throwing your vote away: The Green Party With a full slate of nominated candidates, the Green Party is the most viable protest vote for most Canadians. There’s even much to love in their platform — it’s a grab bag of items that will please and infuriate in equal measure.

The Greens would go on a subsidy-slashing binge. The party promises free tuition, student debt relief, and a host of environmental spending programs, including investments in energy retrofits, solar panels and infrastructure spending.

All of it is in the service of an emissions reduction agenda that aims to eliminate the country’s dependence on carbon fuels by mid-century. Whether or not the technology to do this is actually there — or best subsidized by government, if so — remains a lingering question.

And then there’s Elizabeth May.

An excellent debater and a beloved parliamentarian, May has nonetheless espoused ideas and policies that just might be loopy. There’s her distrust of Wi-Fi; her party’s hastily redacted support of homeopathy; and divorce laws ripped from men’s rights activists websites. There was that time she defended Jian Ghomeshi on Twitter, and the time she presented a 9/11 Truther petition to Parliament. She also said Omar Khadr had more class “than the whole f---ing cabinet” at the last Parliamentary Press Gallery dinner, etc. etc. The Libertarian Party Advocating a 15-per-cent flat tax, an increase in the personal exemption, elimination of tax credits, repealing the powers of the CR TC, canning supply management, and ending all corporate welfare, the Libertarians are the fiscal conservatives that not a few conservatives wish the actual Conservatives could be.

And with promises to legalize sex work, end the war on drugs, massively ease immigration, and re-direct military spending to domestic affairs, the Libertarians are the party that social conservatives will ensure the Conservatives never can be.

Party leader Tim Moen, who has thus far generated more attention outside Canada than within it, is probably best known for his poster: “I want gay married couples to protect their marijuana plants with guns.”

With about 100 nominated candidates, the Libertarians are an option for about a third of voters in this country. Christian Heritage Party If the Conservatives have been too moderate on abortion and gay marriage for your taste, there is always the Christian Heritage Party, happy to represent traditional western culture and the supremacy of Judeo-Christian values. Bonus: Much of their immigration policy seems committed to combating the dangers of creeping sharia. Force set Démocratie/ Strength in Democracy I’m going to gloss over the Bloc Québécois — it’s a special case — and instead highlight Forces et Démocratie, a Quebec Bloc/NDP offshoot that is now fielding candidates in a few non-Quebec ridings.

In June, it announced that it would support its first Ontario candidate in Peterborough-Kawartha; it now has at least 17 candidates, including one in Newfoundland.

Ousted NDP MP Manon Perreault will also try to defend her riding of Montcalm under the FeD banner this time around.

Neither separatist nor strictly nationalist, FeD seems committed to representing Quebec and central Canada’s economic interests. Pirate Party Techno-anarchists cheered the growth of the Pirate Party in Europe in response to increasingly draconian global copyright laws. With about 10 Canadian candidates this time, few voters will be able to opt for the Pirate Party here, but those who do will be signalling their support for an open data ethos in government, a

It may be time to consider a satirical alternative

basic minimum income guarantee and — of course — lax copyright laws. (Free Game of Thrones!) Marxist-Leninists Let it be noted: in the epic schism between the Soviet-backing Communist Party and Maoist-leaning Marxist-Leninists, it is the latter Communists who appear to have inherited the mantle of legitimacy in their bid to smooth the way for the coming workers’ paradise in the country of Canada. The Maoists have nominated at least 70 candidates, while the Communists are nearly absent from the official candidate lists.

(I am reliably informed, however, that the MarxistLeninists should be considered “post-Maoist” as they sided with Albanian leader Enver Hoxha in the infamous Sino-Albanian split. Apparently the title holds despite the collapse of Communist Albania in the ‘ 90s.) Rhino Party If these earnest parties elicit nothing but your contempt, it may be time to consider a satirical alternative.

The Rhino party has faded in and out of vogue since the ’60s; in this election, they are fielding almost 30 official candidates who promise to nationalize Tim Hortons and privatize the army. Eat Your Ballot There is always the last resort: declining, damaging or just plain consuming your ballot in the vain hope that the winning party will read something — anything — into the gesture.