Modern gratitude: more than you can shake an Oprah at

Giving thanks as self-help has reached heights even Oprah couldn’t have imagined, and while the practice has tangible benefits, today’s version might benefit from fewer hashtags

We can literally produce gratitude at almost any moment

The Roman philosopher Marcus Tullius Cicero considered the act of gratitude to be not just the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others. Now, more than 2,000 years after his death, millions of us are putting his assertion to the test as psychologists herald a “global gratitude renaissance.”

So forget mindfulness, the much-hyped meditative practice promising greater happiness and wellbeing that has dominated the self-help bookshelves in recent years. Living in the moment is history and gratitude is where it’s at (for now, at least — “forgiveness” is on its way).

Certainly, Hollywood can’t get enough of gratitude: Pierce Brosnan, Matt Damon, Arnold Schwarzenegger, even Barack Obama, are among those who claim that “living gratefully” has brought them a deeper sense of contentment, while Oprah Winfrey insists that the “gratitude diary” she has been keeping for the past 20 years is the most important thing she has done in her life. Paris Hilton, predictably, prefers a more overt way of showing gratitude: she recently posted a snap of herself on Instagram in a bikini, with the message "#LovingLife in Bali. #Blessed #Happy #Grateful.” To be fair to Paris, though, the use of social media (and copious hashtags) to publicize your gratitude — more of which later — is actively encouraged by psychologists.

Cynics might argue these beautiful people are darn right to be on their knees being grateful for their charmed lives. But gratitude proselytizers insist there is scientific evidence to show we lesser mortals could benefit, too, by being a lot more grateful for what we have rather than dwelling on those things we don’t.

Janice Kaplan is the glossy High Priestess of the Gratitude Cult, a scarily successful TV producer, novelist and magazine editor from New York, whose bestseller on the subject, The Gratitude Diaries, was published this summer. She believes that no matter who or what you are, being grateful can make you more successful at work, happier in your life and relationships, and a better parent and friend. It can even make you healthier and thinner — a prerequisite of any new self-help tome.

Unlike Andy Puddicombe, the surfing monk who demystified mindfulness for the masses with his Headspace app, Kaplan isn’t spiritual nor, as she puts it, “sappy.” The Gratitude Diaries describes how by living gratefully for a year she fell back in love with her husband, Ron, improved her relationship with her two grown-up sons and developed a healthier attitude to work, exercise and her body. The book includes a gratitude weight loss regime and concludes with a seven-day gratitude challenge. “I wanted to understand the neuroscience behind gratitude, how we can use it to get control of our lives,” she says. “I grounded the book in research and fact. It’s not about staring at the skies and appreciating our lives.”

Gratitude is more “digestible” than mindfulness, Kaplan insists, yet deeper and less fleeting than happiness (that was the 2009 buzzword, extolled by Gretchen Rubin in her bestseller The Happiness Project). “It’s a word that people immediately 'get’. People hear about my gratitude diary and immediately say, 'Oh I should do that,’” she says.

Kaplan can take some credit for the current gratitude renaissance but it was another philosopher, Dr. Robert Emmons, who rediscovered this forgotten factor in the study of human emotions. His work, dating from 2003, showed that being grateful can increase perceived happiness by as much as 25 per cent. Since then there have been countless research studies on the subject, all of which conclude that grateful people experience higher levels of joy, enthusiasm, love, happiness and optimism and are better protected from the destructive impulses of envy, resentment, greed and bitterness.

A recent article in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology concluded that gratitude may have the highest connection to mental health and happiness of any of the personality traits studied. “Everyone can easily benefit from it,” explains Emmons, whose book, Gratitude Works, was published in 2013. “We can literally produce gratitude at almost any moment.”

Kaplan’s research showed that most people suffer an alarming gratitude gap: 94 per cent of those surveyed said grateful people lead more fulfilled lives yet less than half said they expressed gratitude on a regular basis. “We’re more likely to say thank you to the person serving us in a coffee shop than to the person we love most,” Kaplan says.

She started her year of grateful living by focusing on her marriage. Rather than moaning when Ron, a doctor, was called to hospital in the middle of the night, she considered how grateful she should be to have a husband who did so much to help others — and told him so. Ron was well aware his wife was conducting a social experiment and that he was a guinea pig, but instinctively reciprocated. The depth of feelings between them strengthened. “The change in our relationship was one of the most dramatic transformations that occurred during the year,” Kaplan says.

It was, she concedes, something of a slog, at least initially, to be grateful all the time for everything — and she admits to faking it at times. But, even when forced, gratitude seemed to produce the same uplifting results. “If it was raining, I’d make myself be grateful for my umbrella,” she says. “It’s amazing how flipping the coin works every time.”

It is the workplace that, according to Kaplan’s research, is most devoid of gratitude. Many bosses purposely don’t praise employees, fearing it will weaken their authority. Yet her research shows that people work up to 81 per cent harder for a grateful boss. “It’s demeaning to think that you’re only working for the money. People are hungry to be thanked,” she says. Likewise it is important for employees to appreciate the jobs and opportunities they have, rather than griping about a 10 per cent pay rise. “Being grateful for the current situation is a much better road to happiness,” she argues. “Few emotions are more toxic than envy.”

In her book, Kaplan stresses that it’s not good enough simply to feel grateful. To enjoy the benefits you must express your gratitude — and this is where social media takes centre stage. She recommends posting gratitude for the people we love and the experiences we cherish on Twitter or Facebook as a means of living gratefully. But doesn’t the act of publicly expressing gratitude — particularly on social media — generate envy in others? Are you opening yourself up to accusations of smugness?

If I started posting pictures of my family on Facebook, accompanied by “#grateful” and the praying-hands emoji, I would fully expect to be unfriended by the majority of my contacts. Both Kaplan and Emmons agree we must be careful not to let our demonstrations of gratitude separate or isolate us from others, yet they stand by social media as a meaningful way of showing appreciation.

I’m yet to be convinced. It was thus with trepidation that I embarked on Kaplan’s seven-day gratitude challenge. Day One was easy: On a sunny bike ride along the Thames with my husband, Christian, and sons Hector and Alfred, there were plenty of occasions to express love and appreciation without it feeling contrived or forced (only once did Christian narrow his eyes suspiciously).

Next day I wrote a thank-you email to the owner of a newly opened local café (got to start somewhere), which felt good at the time but is now a source of irrational disappointment, there having been no response. Other days, however, were more of a chore. As I waited in the pouring rain while an ATM chewed up my card, I desperately reminded myself of a slogan currently circulating on social media: “There are people out there who would love to have your bad days.” It worked for a while but when later that evening, Alfie, one, fell down the stairs and chipped a front tooth, it was guilt I felt, for not being there to catch him, rather than gratitude that he hadn’t fallen farther.

Still, it was a week with no fights, no dramas, no stressing. Much to Christian’s delight I found it almost impossible to be argumentative when trying to be grateful. The gratitude app I downloaded, however cheesy, reminded me to photograph and note down the things I should be grateful for each day, which stopped me from dwelling on small frustrations. Most important, though, by forcing myself not to compare my lot but to appreciate what I had around me, I relaxed, which helped me to nag less, sleep better and might even have made me better company (the jury is still out).

I’ve yet to complete the final stage of the gratitude challenge. So far, a public statement of appreciation on social media has proved a bridge too far. But I’m not ruling it out: This gratitude lark is addictive. Christian, you’ve been warned.