2016 purrdictions
Will your new year bring belly rubs or flea bites? Consult our furry forecast to find out,
ARIES
As always, your presence in 2016 will fill the room with energy and warmth, the latter of which is always appreciated but the former of which is sometimes resented, especially among those who are just trying to chill by the fire, which is absolutely not an invitation to just waltz over here with that little red light. Oh my god what is that little red light where is it going where is it going it’s on the wall it’s on the stairs it’s on the bookshelf no no hold on I’m going to climb up there wait where did the light go where did it go it just disappeared. DID YOU DO THIS I’M GOING TO BITE YOUR FOOT SO HARD NOW. What I’m saying is try to match your energy to those you encounter and you’ll prosper in friendship and money, but otherwise, you’ll just get bloody toes.
LEO
This year has the potential to bring significant personal and professional advancement for you, owing to your natural leadership abilities, self- confidence, ambition and really great hair. People born under Leo worship the sun, and in 2016 your best days will probably be those during which there are longer daylight hours — or ones on which you can find that one spot of sunshine and soak it up fully for as long as it’s there. Sometimes this will mean putting yourself in an awkward position, but don’t worry: it’s totally worth it. Try to avoid letting people walk all over you, which can generally be done by lashing out at them unexpectedly whenever they approach you and your little sunspot. You often look like you’re asleep on the job, but that’s just part of your strategy.
SAGITTARIUS
People born under your sign are known for their love of change and adventure, but in these two regards 2015 overpromised and underdelivered. Or did YOU? Yes, that’s right, it’s all on you. In 2016, set more reasonable goals, but make sure they’re concrete and that you actually put the steps in motion to achieve them. Like, for instance, last year you said you were going to get outside more, but the second it happened you freaked out and ran under a bush and stayed there till someone came to get you. The problem here is that you’ve spent your entire life indoors! So take baby steps: if you want to get comfortable with green grass and fresh air eventually, maybe first try sitting on a window ledge for an extended period of time. Then a bit longer the next day. Even if you never make it outside, you’ll at least see some cool birds to imagine killing.
TAURUS
In business as well as in romance, touch will continue to be important to you in 2016. But, like, just the right amount of touch, for just the right amount of time, and only in one precise spot comprising roughly two square inches of space. Be wary of exposing your vulnerabilities to strangers, because they might just go ahead and assume that your emphasis on the importance of touch applies to all aspects of your professional dealings/ corporeal self and assert themselves into your space in a way that you find wholly uncomfortable. In the event that this occurs, I suggest letting them linger long enough that they think they’re safe, then going straight in for the kill with all four paws and incisors exposed.
VIRGO
Your methodical approach to life will continue to function as a blessing and a curse in 2016. On the one hand, having the patience to slowly, gradually, silently complete tasks — almost like you’re creeping up on them — means that, when the work is done, it’s done perfectly. On the other hand, you may lose out on opportunities by hesitating to jump on them. When you see something that’s so shiny and sparkly you can’t take your eyes off of it, it’s sometimes best to pounce than approach with caution.
CAPRICORN
You know what I like about you, Capricorn? That one of your sign’s dominant traits is an eventual dislike of pretty much everything. I’m right there with you, friend. For 2016, keep that up. Approach all people and things with a skepticism that you expect will eventually transform into disdain. Complain a lot, and complain loudly. Bump into people without apologizing. Pull things off shelves and then spread them across the floor and pretend it wasn’t you. Bite the hand that feeds. You only live once, am I right? I am right! YOU only live once.
GEMINI
You spent a lot of time in 2015 stalling on difficult decisions, which means you either ended up inside when you wanted to be outside, or outside when you only wanted to be outside for a brief second, but then as soon as you turned around, the door was closed. Don’t let the wrong doors close on you in 2016, Gemini! Decide with conviction: do you want to be inside or outside? And once you’ve made the call, even if you feel it to be the wrong one ( which you absolutely will), stick with it and make the most of it: after all, the door can be scratched to irreparable smithereens no matter which side of it you find yourself on!
LIBRA
In 2016, your sense of fairness and diplomacy will be put to the test. It may seem like others always get things first — toys, for instance, or fresh bowls of kibble first thing in the morning, when the fact of the matter is you put all the hard work into waking everyone up and letting them know it was time for fresh kibbles — but you’ll be well served to restrain any aggression and reserve judgment; you’ll get yours eventually. And if you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with using some non-verbal but nonetheless crystal- clear signs of retaliation to let others know that you deserve to fair treatment, such as forgoing use of the litter box for a 24- hour period.
AQUARIUS
Aquarius is the water- bearer, but this zodiac sign’s element is air. It’s tricksy, sort of like putting a trail of treats on the bathroom floor leading into the bathtub and then closing the door and turning on the tap and promising there will be “more treats when this is over.” Why would anyone believe that at this point? There will probably just be more water. Anyway, for 2016 I warn that you, Aquarius, should be wary of investments that seem too good to be true, because they probably are, and you’ll just end up getting soaked.
CANCER
Others may be frustrated with you because you show what they perceive to be a lack of ambition. It may look like laziness, but the fact of the matter is that you’re just happy with things as they are, so long as you’re surrounded by family. You will continue to prefer to host at home in 2016, rather than going out with friends, and this may put some distance between you and some. Don’t worry; the people who are happy to come to you are the best friends you can ask for. Except that one dog. It would probably be good if that one dog stopped coming into your house. It’s not like anyone asked you if you wanted to share all your favourite stuff with a dog. If they had, you would have said no.
SCORPIO
Scorpios tend to be wary and distrusting, which makes sense from a sign whose tail is literally a dagger of death — probably, no one trusts you! You keep stabbing people! It’s likely you’ll spend much of 2016 trying to advance your personal life and career through drastic actions and gestures that didn’t quite pan out, such as knocking things down from high places and keeping secret stashes of important documentation and money hidden from plain view, probably shredded to pieces and under the couch. This year, try to lighten up a bit — most of the people in your life would be happy to give you a hand, if you just stopped trying to stab them with your daggers of death for like one second.
PISCES
Generally speaking, Pisces like being alone, and being asleep. Isn’t that interesting! I’m a pretty big fan of those two things myself, Pisces! And I’m not even a Pisces; I guess I’m just kinda into fish! We should hang out. In 2016, you will combine your abilities as a good detective and a happy homemaker, hunting down and settling into a cozy living situation with what I’m just going to go ahead and call a new — and unexpected! — BFF. But you will continue to work well on your own, striving to satisfy your typically Piscean catlike appreciation for luxury and comfort. Best to avoid swimming upstream too hard and just go with the flow; when a surprise suitor reaches his paw, er, hand out to you, don’t be slippery on purpose.