Jonathan goldstein
‘Who would’ve guessed that under that glorious mane his head was shaped like a peanut?’
I’ ve nothing of the oracle about me. As a child I never knew which hand held the penny. As a teenager I could never see a breakup coming. And as an adult, I’ve not once not been shocked by the ending to an M. Night Shyamalan film. This is all to say that what I am about to share with you are not predictions. In fact, they’re not even really guesses. They’re just schadenfreude, plain and simple, masquerading as the psychic. And with that, enjoy: Due to prime-ministerial stress, Justin Trudeau will go bald. Incredibly, unflatteringly bald.
“Who would’ve guessed t hat under that glorious mane his head was shaped like a peanut?” farmers in wheatfields will gossip.
“His thick, owl-like eyebrows only make him look more bald,” curlers in curling halls will opine.
“Frankly, the only way this guy could get any balder is if he had his head sanded down by one of those belt sanders,” bloggers in basements will blog.
At first, Trudeau will think that the Canadian people can handle it. “We are not a shallow people,” he’ll say to his cabinet as they shield their eyes from the glare of his scalp.
He’ll soon realize he’d underestimated his country. His approval rating will plummet and his advisers will attempt various solutions. Toupées. Porkpie hats. A Daft Punk helmet. A paper bag that reads “I have hair under here.” At one point, he’ll try donning a wig of Bo Derek-like beaded cornrows.
“Just like the 10 provinces of our great nation,” he’ll say in the rollout video, “I am a perfect 10.”
In the end, facing impeachment, he’ll return to snowboard instructing where he can mostly wear a tuque and lead a relatively normal life. In other predictions: Jimmy Fallon, Ryan Seacrest, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise will also go bald. As will Ben Affleck, George Clooney and Daniel Craig. And, due to a Lex Luther- like accident involving rave drugs and henna, Miley Cyrus = bald.
And I’ ll be looking better than ever. For as a prophet once said, “in the kingdom of the bald, the merely balding shall rule.”