Highlights, lowlights and laughs from 2015
Oh, what a year it was.
Think you’ve had some unfair speeding tickets? Don’t bother moving to Finland unless you’re a pauper. Fines there are mainly determined by your income. In February, businessman Reima Kuisla was stopped doing 64 miles per hour in a 50-mph zone; because his fine was based on his income tax return and Kuisla is apparently a one-percenter, he was hit with a whopping fine equivalent to US$60,000.
He, of course, said he was moving, because it’s just not fair. He may or may not have stamped his feet. I’m sure things like this would never happen under President Trump.
Worst parking ( or unparking) job of the year has to go to the 92- year- old man in Mayville, Wisc., who, back in February, rammed into a total of nine cars while trying to exit a parking lot. We’re not talking dings and scratches; four of the cars had to be towed.
The damage roster is impressive: as he backed out, he struck a ’ 98 Saturn and a ’ 98 Buick LeSabre, which then dominoed into a ’ 04 Pontiac. He proceeded to back into an ’04 Jeep and a ’11 Equinox. Putting his can back into Drive, he plowed into a ’14 C-Max.
Next in the wrong place at the wrong time was an ’ 05 F-150, at which point he finally made it out by trashing a ’97 Park Avenue and an ’03 Sierra.
It was deemed an “accident,” believe it or not, as he claimed the pedals got mixed up and he panicked. Sorry folks, if there was anything that was more not an accident than this, I don’t know what it is. Do watch the video ( youtube. com/watch?v=085lXbKJjsM).
In March, a tour-bus driver in Belgium trusted his GPS instead of his passengers — who were desperately clutching paper maps — and took them 1,200 kilometres off route while trying to get to a ski vacation in France.
They ended up near Spain. I’ve followed bad GPS information more times and more distance than I care to admit, but I’ve never done it with a bus full of hostages.
June saw this year’s dubious carjacking award: A 19- yearold in Utah attempted to steal a car, but couldn’t drive it because it was a stick shift. We get a few of these every year, highlighting the fact that sometimes the best theft protection is to just go old-school. To add insult to Utah Boy’s injury, his female sidekick could drive a stick and decided this would be the best time to teach him. During a car theft. Of course he stalled it, and she gave up and called a cab. Kids today ….
From the annals of Death Accounting, I give you the final GM ignition- switch payouts. As of this writing, the final payout for crashes involving switches GM knew were faulty stands at US$ 594.5 million for 399 cases, including 124 deaths. The problem was first discovered way back in 2001, but replacing the part would have cost less than a dollar per car, according to Reuters.
And that was deemed too much. A dollar per car. Had to say that again.
Speaking of liar, liar pants on fire, Volkswagen stood tall this year. They stole GM’s don’t- ask- don’t- tell thunder by revealing they’d been employing a cheat mechanism in their diesel engines to beat pollution controls. Not a company to do anything in small measure (they’ve been fiercely chasing the tag of Biggest Carmaker in the World for some time now), the modification affected around 11 million cars globally. While angry and baffled consumers in Canada still await some kind of answer, the rest of the industry continues to scratch its collective head, wondering how such a huge company thought it could pull off such a long- term cheat. And somebody wasn’t up on that high wire alone.
In October, a Mustang took parking on the upper deck to a whole new level. Literally. After the driver lost control on the Interstate in Michigan, the car ended up on the roof of the home of an 83-year-old woman.
“I was just watching TV inside. I had it up pretty loud — but this was much louder,” she said, in a remarkable understatement.
Next time it’s raining cats and dogs, count yourself lucky. It could be raining pony cars.
Also this year, we finally reached the conclusion of an insurance fraud — with jail time — that started in 2009, when Andy House of Texas purchased a Bugatti Veyron. He paid a cool US$ 1 million, yet for some reason insured it for US$ 2.2 million. Next day he filed a claim after driving the car into a lagoon, using the ever-popular excuse that a low-flying pelican scared him.
Ol’ Andy is headed to jail because too many witnesses remembered the car ( duh), but no doubt what stung the most was the recorded statement from a nearby passenger making a video: “Pretty sure it’s a Lambo, dude.”
The car world never lets you down, and the advent of a camera in every pocket means proof at the touch of a button. Most of us manage to keep our cars off rooftops and out of lagoons, but bless those who provide the punchlines.
Best line of the year for me? From Driving’s own Lesley Wimbush, on her review of the Lexus LX 570: “There’s no getting around the fact that this is one gigantic chunk of steel, with the face of a trash compactor. If you’re a basketball star, aging gang- banger or Vegas highroller, here’s your truck.” There’s usually an Easter-egg line like this in her reviews. I love it.