Norm of the North
The following are a series of leaked emails from Alan Smithee, one of the producers of the new film Norm of the North. We made repeated calls to the studio to verify them but were told: “Alan Smithee does not exist.”
To: ( recipient list hidden) Date: Feb. 14, 2014 Re: Norm — Polar Bear
Very excited about the screenplay you guys have for “Norm — Polar Bear.” Still not sure about that title though. I’m also worried it’s too complicated for kids. My own kids still haven’t figured out Big Hero 6. And can someone tell me where we can see parts 1 through 6? Anyway, here’s my suggestion. Rather than focus on global warming, which I’m sure today’s young people haven’t even heard of, how about something they can really relate to, like the housing market? So the bad guy is trying to build pre-fab condos in the Far North. And Norm has to stop him. Simple is best!
Date: Feb. 28, 2014 Re: Norm — Polar Bear
Just realized a slight script snag. It seems polar bears can’t talk. (Thank heavens for Wikipedia!) But we can fix it with one line of dialogue: “Hey, humans can understand me!” Ursus ex machina!
Date: March 15, 2015 Re: Norm of the North
Concerned about the cost of animation. We don’t have the budget for state-of-the-art computers. What about the ones they used back in ‘95 for Toy Story? That film has a fourth sequel in the works! (Hello? Norm of the South, East and West, anyone?) Or maybe older machines? Sure, the animation might not be pretty, but kids aren’t going to notice. They probably don’t even know what a polar bear looks like.
Date: April 22, 2015 Re: Casting
I’m thinking Clooney or Pitt. Or maybe DiCaprio — I hear he has a thing for bears. Let’s get on this!
Date: April 30, 2015 Re: Casting
OK, let’s reach out to Pierce Brosnan, Billy Crudup and Chiwetel Ejiofor.
Date: May 3, 2015 Re: Casting
Clive Owen! No, wait, Ricky Gervais! Why didn’t I think of it before?
Date: May 6, 2015 Re: Casting
Jim Carrey? Brendan Fraser.
Date: May 9, 2015 Re: Casting
Good news. Fraser answered one of my calls. Seems 2 a.m. is the best time to reach him. He can’t do it but suggested we try Steve Guttenberg.
Date: May 10, 2015 Re: Casting
Bad news. Guttenberg can’t do it either. And he suggested Brendan Fraser.
Date: May 14, 2015 Re: Casting!
We have our Norm. Rob Schneider! His only stipulation is that he gets to keep the bear suit. As long as no one tells him it’s computeranimated before he signs the contract, we should be fine.
Date: June 2, 2015 Re: Recording
Schneider cracks me up! He was supposed to say “I put the soul in winter solstice,” but he kept ad libbing. “I put the bore in aurora borealis.” “I put the ick and the shun in Arctic Ocean.” He also asked how much we’d sue for if he walked off the film. He’s hilarious!
Date: June 15, 2015 Re: Gags
Schneider’s humour must be rubbing off on me. I’m going to punch up the script with some bird-poo jokes, a bit of comic burping and some pee gags — but no more than three or four. We’ve got to keep it classy.
Date: July 11, 2015 Re: Budget
More cost savings thanks to yours truly. I thought: Why make the lemmings talk? Let’s have them spout gibberish; they’ll be like furry versions of the Minions from that new movie with the Minions. I forget the name of it.
Date: Sept. 3, 2015 Re: Progress report
Things are coming along nicely. Ken Jeong is voicing the evil Mr. Greene, and the tech boffins are animating him without any skeleton. (Cost savings! Ka-ching!) Heather Graham is Greene’s assistant, who only took the job so she could get her daughter into a good school. (Again, things kids can relate too!) Also, we’re adding glasses to all the smart characters so kids will know they’re smart. I know it’s a bit more money but quality isn’t free.
Date: Nov. 21, 2015 Re: Release
Norm of the North is opening on Jan. 15, the day after the Oscar nominations come out, which means the Academy will be just starting to think about what the best animated film of NEXT year will be. And they’ll see Norm! I have a very good feeling about this. ½ Norm of the North opens across
Canada on Jan. 15.