Orange is the New Black, plus other reasons to stay inside this summer.
1 For When You’re Staying In To Rue All Of The Opportunities You’ve Wasted…
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE: THE NEXT GENERATION
Always one of the most fun reality competitions, So You Think You Can Dance is really upping the you’ve-thrown-away-your-life-on-chips-and-unused-yoga-studio-memberships factor with this year’s focus on dancers in the 8-13 age range. Though, thankfully, most of them will still end up going home failures, you know at least one is going to become a national star at one-quarter your age, so enjoy all the emotions to accompany that inevitablity.
2 For When You’re Staying In Because You Don’t Have The Energy To Swipe Right…
UNREAL
This behind-the-scenes look at a Bacheloresque looking-for-love reality show revealed that everything was exactly as Machiavellian, ridiculous and horrible as you imagined it was, with a knack for sharp one-liners to boot. The new season will follow eternally put-upon, borderline-broken producer Shiri Appleby as she shepherds a black dream guy through the manufactured-love game, officially making the fake show more progressive than the real one.
3 For When You’re Staying In Because It’s A Long Weekend and No One Invited You To Their Cottage, Mostly Because You Don’t Know Anyone Who Actually Owns One…
BARONESS VON SKETCH SHOW
CBC’s return to the filmed sketch comedy game rounds up a quartet of funny women for a look at the silly ins and outs of modern life. The early previews leaned heavily on the deliriously silly, from burying the unfortunate victim of a Marry, F—k, Kill game to the wonders of being a lady over 40 in the gym change room. Hopefully this is the long-overdue return to sketch glory that Canada deserves.
4 For When You’re Staying In Because You Missed The Pre- Sale on Sting & Peter Gabriel and You Don’t Feel Like Paying Twice As Much on StubHub…
ROADIES
Cameron Crowe returns to his favourite topic (rock-tinged nostalgia) for his first foray into television, with this Luke Wilson/Imogen Poots-starring dramedy about the life of the people who make those big rock concerts you all love so much happen. Look for a lot of classic rock cues in conspicuous places, at least one impassioned speech about the power of music per episode and Luis Guzman to tell you that the two things you need to live are oxygen and family.
Wi th the May l ong weekend firmly in the rearview, we are now unofficially in the rarest of seasons: the Canadian summer. Now, sure, the inner Your Dad is going to be telling you to get out and enjoy the fleeting good weather, but the great outdoors tend to hold things like bugs and sunburns and the disappointment of other people. You’re probably better off avoiding all those things, hiding indoors and watching television. In an effort to help you out in such an undertaking, we’ve put together 10 summer shows for every kind of cranking-the-air-conditioning-and-staying-on-your-couch mood. Enjoy
5 For When You’re Staying In To Contemplate America’s Twisted Values and Fractured Sense of Justice…
OJ: MADE IN AMERICA
Continuing the year of reliving 1994, this eight-hour, five-part documentary counts as the most expansive ESPN 30 for 30 documentary yet. Examining the socio-cultural history of modern America through the lens of The Juice, it would probably seem even more astonishing if American Crime Story hadn’t just done that with John Travolta in frozen-face make-up.
6 For When You’re Staying In With A Six Pack, Because You Don’t Need a Patio or Friends To Have a Good Time…
ANOTHER PERIOD
Natasha Leggero and Riki Lindholme return as the nastiest party girls 1902 was capable of producing, doing everything from sneaking into their brothers’ pantaloons to selling their rivals into sexual slavery. Imagine your drunken bellowing about the inanity of Keeping Up With Kardashians was turned into a series by actually funny people and you’re pretty much there.
7 For When You’re Staying In Because Your Hideously Deformed Face Has Given Rise To An Unfortunate Nickname…
PREACHER
The words “based on the cult comic” have worked out pretty well for AMC so far, and the presence of producers Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg has already turned this into one of the buzziest series of the summer. Expect a lot of moody boy stuff, violence, anger at god, badass angels and demons and a character named Arseface.
8 For When You’re Staying In Because You Gotta Lie Low For A While Until The Heat Dies Down…
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
The ladies of Litchfield return, with Piper feeling threatened, and all of the characters you actually care about getting up to hijinks that will be alternately quirkily funny or uncomfortably moving. The fourth season will see everyone dealing with the switch to a private prison, which promises many more inmates and even more ridiculous guards. So, everything you love about it.
9 For When You’re Staying In Because There’s No Telling What Kind of Flaming Jackasses You Might Run Into Out There…
VICE PRINCIPALS
Danny McBride is back working with Eastbound & Down creator Jody Hill, this time putting his talent for portraying the most deplorable human being in the world into the form of a vice principal competing for the main job with equally horrendous co-worker Walton Goggins. If you weren’t already setting the DVR at Eastbound & Down, there’s a good chance this will be too delightfully bleak for you to fully contemplate.
10 For When You’re Staying In Because All Your Clothes Are Polyester Blends, And That Stuff Does Not Breathe In 30- Degree Heat…
THE MATCH GAME
Alec Baldwin is hosting ABC’s reboot of the “classic” game show, which basically featured a bunch of glass-closeted celebrities smirking while the concept of the doubleentendre was hung upside down from the rafters and slit across the throat. Every other piece you read that mentions this show will make some kind of joke involving “Blank,” because when it comes to creative ways to spice up their copy, most journalists draw a … not-entirely-justified salary.