IN SEARCH OF A- FARTABLE HOUSING

I have a friend who used to fart silently in public, and then run away before the stench would fill the room. It was a disgusting habit. Although the objective of her toot tactic was to omit herself as the suspected culprit, her efforts were pointless; her malodorous ways were obvious. Us gassy humans flatulate up to 20 times a day, but the majority of us are polite enough to pass wind in bathrooms, or in the privacy of our homes, or on empty sidewalks with no other nostrils around. But amongst us respectful citizens, there’s an unsavoury breed: the public farter.

These people are the ones who look around innocently when a foul scent wafts through the air. They’re the ones who pretend they didn’t hear thunderous noise coming from their pants. Or, in the case of really gutsy gas monsters, they’ll laugh at your horror as they assault your senses with their stink.

Passing gas is a normal, healthy part of life. Our bodies are designed to do it. But there’s a difference between excusing yourself to emit a vapour or two and carelessly farting around town – the latter is vile and something no civilized human should do. So what is the proper etiquette if you’re out and about and you sense gas is coming?

Bathrooms, of course, are optimal farting grounds. It’s common etiquette to pretend not to hear what’s happening in the stall next to you, so you can let loose in a no- judgement zone. If you’re trapped in a car, opening a window will at least offer others gasping for air a taste of the fresh outdoors. Airplanes – where gas build- up worsens – are trickier. Avoiding carbonated drinks and chewing food slowly can help reduce flatulence until landing. And if all else fails, apologizing to those you offend will at least hold you accountable.

I’m not suggesting we avoid farting altogether. Letting gas build can be painful and awkward. But apart from bloating and stomach discomfort, there are few serious consequences to holding gas in. So unless you have a medical condition or are an infant, there’s no excuse to publicly letting one rip.

And to those who continue to fart wherever they please, we know who you are, and you stink.