A clinical approach to that thing we call love

F* ck Love: One Shrink’s Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship By Michael Bennett, MD and Sarah Bennett Touchstone 288 pp; $ 26.99

Father-daughter author duo Michael and Sarah Bennett follow up their bestselling debut, F* ck Feelings, with a closer look at one of its testier (and timelier) subjects: love. Or, rather, how the f *ck that feeling both helps and hinders the way single people search for someone they can stand sleeping next to forever. Dr. Michael Bennett co-writes with his comedian daughter Sarah to blast love’s conventional lore and serve up hard truths for the hungry heart. Here are your takeaways:

1Chemical caution: Chemistry, that ever- elusive, indescribable spark heralded as key to romantic success, might prove to be caustic in the end. Humans are prone to find “chemistry” with those most opposite to them and, as a result, it’s likely to inflict damage over time (riddle me that, Darwin). So take a look at your lab results and reflect on relationships that have ended poorly. If you credit chemistry for their initial success, have to think on the impulses that drove you there and if they align with what you want long-term.

2Ugly truth: The Bennetts lay bare a reality most are likely to face ( literally) in their search for lasting love – physical beauty and the subjective attraction it elicits. Kind hearts might care for the inside, but sexual chemistry is indeed key to relationship building. Over time, the value of a physical spark depreciates — that inside stuff gets its dues as your relationship with somebody grows — but, says Bennett, an initial sexual attraction is vital to sparking those engines in the beginning.

3Comedy, an error. It’s no joke that a shared sense of humour can be a building block in a good relationship, but the Bennetts warn that funny bones can mask other insufficiencies — like intimacy, confidence and decision- making skills — so it’s important to look beyond the banter and be sure there’s something deeper there. Likewise for the witty ones: if you defer to farce in tough situations, challenge yourself to drop the act early for opportunities to forge bonds that’ ll last past the laughtrack.

4Doctor’s office dispatch: As a PhD- sealed practising psychiatrist, Michael Bennett has worked in both private practice and the mental health units of some gnarly public hospitals. A takeaway from the physician himself: “the crazier, dirtier, or more feral the patient, the more likely that patient is to have a spouse.” The observation wasn’t delivered to be an endorsement of savagery so much as to lend legitimacy to mom’s time- and tearworn maxim: there really is someone for everyone.

5Small talk, big picture: You already know an ability to exchange information and emotion is key to lasting success in love. But the Bennetts offer that advice with a warning: beware the lubrication of easy conversation, as an ability to freewheel quickly can impair initial judgment of character and compatibility.

6Good stock, bad signs, and how genetics f actor

in love: Observing the way people interact with their families, and yours, can be a useful tool in understanding how they’ll behave in whatever sort of family you might establish together. But don’t look at their bald uncle for best practices — remember that a person’s background is no limit (or, conversely, a perfect picture) of what they’re capable of offering in your own dynamic partnership. Respect a partner’s wholly personal right to like, love or feel not so much of either for their own families ( and yours), but likewise understand and accommodate an innate interest in each other’s brood.

7There’s always a but: If our first six quips did you sour, the Bennetts give sound advice for those who want out, suggesting a few practical considerations worth mulling before you call a partnership quits:

Know what’s good, but also know what’s good enough for marriage — character can’t change, they say, but behaviour just might. Make a list of the things you think are damaging your relationship before assessing whether change ( and the effort it requires) might make a difference.

Safety first, safety always, safety now: do not stay in a relationship that causes you risk.

Boardroom to the bedroom: make a list of the things that’ll need to happen to dissolve your relationship — like moving house, splitting assets or divvying up the kids — and compare both the monetary and emotional price of them. Worth it?

Map out the logistics of what it’ ll take to leave your relationship so you’re well prepared for the realities of what comes next — things like legal aid, childcare and the expenses of each — that are de rigueur for prospective divorcées.

If we’ve learned anything lately, it might be this: don’t be quick to call it a game. The Bennetts themselves are all for that late- game huddle, suggesting any couple found down in the third give therapy the old college try before surrendering completely.

8Here’s a bonus for those keeping score at home and maybe a boon for the Bennetts besides. I read F* ck Love in waiting rooms, at restaurants and on subway platforms (in bed, too, but that’s not the point), and was approached with equal parts coquetry and concern 6 out of 10 times the book appeared with me in public. I’d rather credit its provocative cover than whatever heartache my resting reading face betrays, but either way, it turns out one way to get love is indeed to say “f *ck it” in plain sight.