A guide to dealing with kids while using public transit.
HOW TO DEAL WITH CHILDREN ON TRANSIT (FOR PARENTS AND NON-PARENTS ALIKE)
Frustratingly for regular users of public transit, children exist. Equally frustratingly for parents of young children who use public transit, other passengers exist.
Worse still, both groups continue to insist on using buses, subways and streetcars at the same time – not only during the relative lull of midday or the weekend, but smack dab in the middle of rush hour.
And while these two groups of transit riders may look relatively calm and serene on the outside, the truth is that they are locked in a bitter, unending cold war – a war for seats, a war for silence, a war to move past a giant, SUV- sized stroller inexplicably locked in place right at the front of the bus where you have to get on.
I am a grizzled veteran of this war, one who has fought on both sides. However, today I come to you with a peace plan, or at least some basic guidelines for both parents and nonparents alike to help make already awful transit experiences a little less so.
ON SUV STROLLERS For Parents
Of course, by all means bring whatever you need to take with you on your trip. But I strongly advise you not to take your City Select/Uppababy/Bugaboo mega-stroller on public transit during peak transit hours. It doesn’t matter how much you spent on it or how much you need it to carry groceries, snacks and diapers or whatever, non-parents will HATE you for using it, which will make your ride much worse.
Most umbrella strollers are cheap to buy, and using baby carriers while carrying several bags is more likely to score you seats anyway. If you absolutely must bring it along, imagine the bus is Tetris and your stroller is one of the blocks – wedge yourself where you will best facilitate others fitting.
For Non- Parents
If you see a parent with a tank-sized stroller inch their way onto a crowded bus or subway car in the middle of rush hour, no amount of tsk tsk-ing will change the situation – it will only make you look and sound like a jerk. Even the most righteous jerk is still a jerk.
Instead of mumbling words under your breath, do all you can to encourage the parent to move their stroller down the length of the bus where it doesn’t impede the flow of human traffic, or make the ultimate sacrifice: give up your seat to this giant stroller family to get them out of the way. This will make you the Bus Hero™.
ON AVOIDING CROWDED BUSES OR SUBWAYS For Parents
If you are a new parent who plans to use public transit, GPS transit apps are your best friend. Buses in particular have an annoying tendency to bunch together, but a GPS app can turn this into a major advantage – if you time things right and are a little patient, you will be rewarded with an empty vehicle with plenty of seating room for yourselves, your kids, your strollers, your diaper bags and backpacks and other assorted parenting junk.
This, however, will also require you to get in the habit of leaving a little earlier.
For Non- Parents
When it comes to waiting for the bus or subway, though annoying, it’s in your long-term best interests to let families with small kids on first. For one, you don’t want to be the guy who forced a family to pull the emergency stop lever because little Johnny didn’t make it through the the subway doors with them in time.
More importantly, though, seated kids are quiet(er) kids. Keep in mind that if you see a large family lining up to force their way on a crowded bus or subway when there’s another, much emptier one right behind it, none of the above applies.
ON NABBING SEATS For Parents
The bad news is that, unless one of your children is still inside of you, families with small kids don’t normally qualify for ‘priority seating’ designations on public transit. The good news is that everyone generally wants to give you a seat because they don’t want to watch you and your screaming kids repeatedly crash to the floor like floppy bowling pins.
Keep in mind though that you are never owed a seat, so try not to sigh audibly and complain and roll your eyes in order to get one. Also, if you can avoid the priority seating, absolutely do not sit there – unless you want to see what happens when you force small, non-comprehending children to get up for the elderly.
For Non- Parents
If you want to avoid interacting with families altogether your best bet is to immediately move as far down the bus as possible. Unfortunately, there is no good place to hide on subways.
Also, don’t be offended if some parents/kids refuse to take up your offer of a lone seat. Many kids are unsocialized monsters who don’t understand that this is a very generous offer, and will insist on sitting only if they can be beside their parents or siblings.
ON INTERACTING WITH CHILDREN ON PUBLIC TRANSIT For Parents
You must make peace with this: your children will not behave on public transit and other passengers will judge you for it.
If your child has muddy boots, that mud will end up on their seat. If they are eating food, that food will end up on the floor. If there is a person with a distinct physical trait, that person will be remarked upon.
How you respond to these mini calamities will be scrutinized by other riders, some of whom may even let you know what they think. Don’t get angry. Though difficult to accept at first, over time you will get used to it. Also, know that some strangers will want to talk to your kids no matter the situation. Be polite about it unless they’re... weird. In this case, find an excuse to move or get off the bus/ subway.
For Non- Parents
Don’t talk to parents who are clearly struggling to deal with their children. Don’t offer advice from when your kids were that age.
If a child is bothering you, move away. Don’t offer children food. Don’t make soothy-kissy noises at crying babies. Don’t take a baby that isn’t yours, then try to breastfeed that baby just to see what it’s like – because that baby’s mom or dad might run for the Conservative Party leadership one day.
And if you catch a parent’s eyes, smile at them with a kindness that says: it’s okay, you’re doing fine, this too shall pass, we’re all in this together, glad it’s you and not me.
IMAGINE THE BUS IS TETRIS AND YOUR STROLLER IS ONE OF THE BLOCKS.