CAUGHT IN WRETCHED SALAD DAZE

There is nothing more contemptible than going out for dinner with a friend, and the second the waiter arrives, my dinner partner settles on the salad with a grin as if she cannot wait to bite into her leafy entrée.

Instinctively, I judge her just a little, my eyebrows furrowing, my teeth grating, never saying a word as she eyes my own meaty dish for the rest of dinner, occasionally borrowing “a bite.”

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with a salad. It’s healthy, it’s comfortingly earthtoned and it doesn’t make you feel like you need to immediately hit the gym the next morning. There are plenty of salads I like, and regularly include in my meals. But that’s just what a salad is – a side, a last resort, your saviour after a week of carbs.

So imagine my disdain each and every time the world tries to create a new spin on the world of salad, as if each year it is the latest, greatest undiscovered dish when really it is nothing more than a bowl of vegetables.

This trend hit a peak this week when Bon Appetit published its guide to throwing a dinner party, including a recipe for “Hand Salad With Yogurt- Lemon Dressing.” That “hand salad” happens to be nothing more than a few leaves of romaine lettuce alongside a glamorized dipping sauce.

Does this mean if I stick a piece of bread into a jar of butter, it’s hand toast? What about if I dip a tortilla into some beef, is that a hand taco?

While I have zero qualms against the healthier choice, I do have an issue when it voluntarily becomes the only choice. As they say, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. Salads are boring and they will always be boring. No one wants to talk about salad — ever. Just because you enjoy the taste of lettuce or you value your health above all else doesn’t make you interesting and, more importantly, it doesn’t make salad interesting.

It is a rare species that can eat an entire garden in a bowl without pausing at one point to question existence and wonder why they didn’t opt for the steak instead or how exactly they’ll manage to finish the plethora of vegetables in front of them.

In the tone of one Regina George, stop trying to make salad happen, it’s not going to happen.