NO HOCKEY, NO FIGURE SKATING, NO CELLPHONES ALLOWED
A new, $4.3-million rink built on the lawn of Parliament Hill will be fun for all the family, says the government — but don’t head over with a hockey stick or puck in hand.
On the lawn of Parliament Hill on Thursday, crews were busy erecting a very expensive monument to that most Canadian of pastimes: excessively prudish regulations. Oh, and hockey. Also that. The Canada 150 rink, still in the development stages even though work began on it last month, looks about l i ke you would expect a hockey rink to look. Ice, boards, bleachers and whatnot. Except it is a very special rink, due to its iconic location and also because it is costing an absurd amount of money.
The r i nk, which was scheduled to be operational for all of 26 days but will now be open til February, the government announced Thursday, is part of a $5.6-million project. Before you slap your forehead and drop your j aw and steam cartoonishly bursts out of your ears, don’t worry: the cost for the construction and operation of the rink itself is only $4.3 million. ( The rest is for a kids’ hockey tournament.)
Heritage Minister Mélanie Joly has explained that this is in fact great value for money because the rink will “support i mportant programming for communities and children” from across the country who are apparently unable to access such programming at the approximately 8,300 other such rinks that already exist in Canada.
When the fun eventually ends, the rink will be dismantled and donated to a “vulnerable” local community. It is unclear what the community will do with it, considering it costs millions just to keep the thing operational until the end of December.
Who knows what t he cost is now that Joly has announced the rink will stay open until the end of February “so that, even more families ( can) lace up their skates for this once in a lifetime opportunity.”
But, hey, these Canada 150 things are a bit pricey, and if you aren’t used to that part by now you haven’t been paying attention.
The particularly hilarious part of the Parliament rink is all the ways in which this programming for the community will be hard for the community to use.
Spots will have to be reserved ahead of time online, and there is a long list of expressly forbidden items:
❚ No hockey sticks and/or pucks
❚ No headsets
❚ No cellphones (!)
❚ No carrying of children ❚ No figure skating
❚ No rough play or “speed” games
❚ No racing
If you have ever been to a free skate at a public rink, it is a safe bet that at least three of the above are taking place at any given time.
But, this being Ontario, the province that is only now allowing a few grocery stores to sell beer and wine, but not too many lest the whole province turn into Ibiza overnight, perhaps we should be grateful that the regulations are not worse.
They may yet be. From appearances at the site on Thursday, the rink will have boards and surrounding glass at normal hockey- rink height.
But there is no sign of netting that might prevent an errant puck from leaving the rink and endangering passersby.
What of the foreign tourists who, unfamiliar with Canada’s national game, will be strolling along in the shadow of the East Block, blissfully unaware of the possibility that a rubber projectile could cross their path at any moment?
Won’t someone think of them?