A hater’s guide to all of those despicable Avengers

The Avengers are mostly hateable characters, so here’s a ranking of the least dislikable to most loathsome Justine Smith

Over the past 10 years, Disney has perfected the art of Marvel-branded product. Trading in auteurism for algorithms (with a dash of nostalgia and a whole lot of data analysis), each film is created from the same mould and with the same vision in mind: appeal to as many people as possible. Familiarity replaces narrative development so that, in the bloated Avengers universe, characters never need more than a few minutes of screen-time for you to recognize them. Blink and you might miss War Machine, take a pee break and Hawkeye’s only meaningful scene has passed, but it never really matters. Filled with explosions, empty speeches and a good dose of death, these movies serve as the gluttonous examples of the superhero genre’s worst sins. Yet, familiarity does not mean any of the characters are particularly likeable and under the “talk, talk, explosion” storytelling style, it turns out that most of the Avengers are downright hateable. So, let’s strip away some artifice and hoopla from the latest instalment, and get down to ranking some one-note cartoon characters by how grating and awful they are!

16 THOR ODINSON

With glistening golden locks and washboard abs, much of Thor’s appeal lies in Chris Hemsworth’s gene pool. While the Thor films are among the most middling solo movies in the Marvel realm, even at his worst, Thor retains his charm by twisting his worst assets – his pride and stupidity – into his most endearing qualities. He is uncomplicated in the best sense of the word.

12

VISION Paul Bettany’s simmering intensity is the only thing selling this Dr. Manhattan rip-off who is little more than an A.I. Unabomber. Torn between his pursuit of order and his love for humanity, Vision’s most endearing quality is his horniness for the chaotic Scarlet Witch. It is a relationship that should give hope to every lovelorn person out there.

8

STEVE ROGERS/ CAPTAIN AMERICA Steve Rogers embodies the idealized version Americans see for themselves, yet, he never quite shakes his personification of American nationalism. The movies try to underscore the skeevier sides of what he represents, but ultimately, though wrapped up in a polite package, Captain America is little more than a living and breathing Make America Great Again slogan.

4

CLINT BARTON/HAWKEYE In an iconic Raiders of the Lost Ark gag, Indiana Jones brings a gun to a sword fight. In the Avengers, Hawkeye brings a bow and arrow to a fight among the gods. Rather than be his greatest asset though, Hawkeye’s humanity is an endless source of humiliation. A quips like, “Pretending we need this guy really brings the team together” should be funny, but it just underscores his uselessness.

15 SAM WILSON/FALCON

Relegated to the sidelines, Falcon has benefitted the most from underexposure in the Avengers franchise. Falcon is that kid you had lunch with sometimes in high school. You were never close, but you always got along. Maybe if you got to know him better you’d pick up on his annoying habits or his glaring character flaws, but caught in this perpetual underexposure, he remains “pretty cool.”

11

JAMES RHODES/WAR MACHINE/IRON PATRIOT War Machine operates on the assumption that an amnesiac audience has forgotten who he is. In Age of Ultron, he literally flies into the movie and says, “War Machine coming at you,” and does a minor superhero thing before flying off again into the sunset. The wink to the audience reeks of condescension, and does little to endear this afterthought.

7

SCOTT LANG/ANT-MAN Paul Rudd may be Hollywood’s most likeable actor, but he can’t save the room-tone mediocrity that is Ant-Man. In his solo adventures, he manages to ham it up long enough to distract audiences, but as part of the overcrowded ensemble pieces, he is completely drowned out. At best in Civil War, he feels like a comic relief non-player character in a second-rate video game.

3

PIETRO MAXIMOFF/ QUICKSILVER Quicksilver’s appearance in Age of Ultron is a lot like the short-lived Nikki and Paulo storyline on Lost. Quickly dubbed “the two most annoying characters on television,” the showrunners killed them off before they could do any more damage. It does seem to be a small mercy that a poorly realized character wouldn’t last more than a handful of scenes.

14 BRUCE BANNER/HULK

Along with Michael B. Jordan’s electric performance in Black Panther, Mark Ruffalo’s neurotic approach to Bruce Banner might be the closest thing to acting in the Marvel franchise. It doesn’t hurt that aside from his polite exterior he clearly wants nothing to do with any of the Avengers. Still, the Big Green Guy teeters into Porg territory when it comes to action figure corporate tie-ins.

10

PETER PARKER/ SPIDER-MAN As a teenage superhero fan, Peter Parker hits on the fact that too many of the Avengers are geared to the wrong audience. While clearly enjoyed by people young and old, these movies aim for a middle ground that hits somewhere in late adolescence. While his fan-boying over his fellow Avengers is grating, at least it makes sense when he does it.

6

TONY STARK/IRON MAN Never underestimate America’s love for megalomaniac billionaires. Ten years after first portraying Tony Stark, Robert Downey Jr. is still working his overtly manicured facial hair and dark glasses as an increasingly redundant and sedentary Iron Man.Iron Man wore out his welcome two American election cycles ago, and at this point, it will be a mercy when he’s gone.

2

BUCKY BARNES/ WINTER SOLDIER The emo heir to Captain America’s throne, Bucky Barnes is more My Chemical Romance than deadly assassin. Even after an appearance in half a dozen Avengers films, he seems to be perpetually stuck in that adolescent zone of thinking bangs are a good idea. Bucky Barnes is a second-rate Captain America knockoff – literally.

13 T’CHALLA/ BLACK PANTHER

The ultimate goody-two-shoes who mistakes maintaining the status quo for doing the right thing, T’Challa gets the jump on Captain America by demonstrating at least a modicum of flexibility in his nationalism. A muchneeded straight man in a film of egos, Black Panther’s greatest asset is allowing charismatic characters bounce off his quiet seriousness.

9

NATASHA ROMANOFF/ BLACK WIDOW Black Widow is two-faced, something worth respecting in this goody-goody parade. Yet, rather than explore that duality, she’s saddled with Marvel’s most useless character, Hawkeye, and a bewilderingly chaste romantic subplot with the Hulk. And in place of character development, she just goes through a rotation of increasingly high-maintenance wigs.

5

STEPHEN STRANGE/ DR. STRANGE “Oriental drag” was passé by the last mid-century. Yet, here we are in 2018, indulging the idea that the largest film company in the world doesn’t know better than casting white people in roles meant to be Asian characters. Dr. Strange was dead on arrival without some very different casting and a hugely different approach to the film’s exoticism.

1

WANDA MAXIMOFF/ SCARLET WITCH Holy inconsistent accent Batman… err, I mean Iron Man? Equal parts The Craft and Jim Carrey’s smirk circa 1996, Scarlet Witch is a hot mess. She never amounts to more than a halfbaked high-school cosplay effort and serves as even more of a MacGuffin than Thanos. Her continued presence in the Avengers makes you wish she died along with her brother.