A 5-point L. A . survival guide for Prince Harry

Apparently Harry finds life in Malibu a bit challenging. But, poor chap, it’s only when lockdown is over and he is released into the wilds of La La Land that the real challenges will begin. Here is a ( tongue- incheek) list of tips for him.

1

It’s all about women

The dominant species there is female. It’s prob

ably best to hand over your masculinity at LAX. But don’t worry: being henpecked is a badge of honour. Rejoice in how progressive it makes you to start every sentence with the royal “she.” “She’s going to need an almond- milk chai latte/ limitless supply

of pandering and indulgence.”

2

Be positive

They may take your sense of humour, too. Sarcasm will get you blackballed from Malibu society, alongside anything similarly tonally tinged with negativity, such as cynicism. With its risky semi- sexual

connotations, banter is also out. Which leaves you with what? A series of upended statements: making every sentence sound like

a question is essential?

3

Eat with the L. A. beat

Develop an obscure food sensitivity. Food sensitivities should not be made light of, or disbelieved … anywhere but in L. A. Discuss your unique microbiome at every opportunity; it’s entirely acceptable to do so with complete

strangers.

4

Get help

Prepare to experience a lot of self- improvement. The second L. A. opens up, you may have to — they’ll phrase it “want to” — book in for a Lift & Glow “re- education” facial at the coveted Melrose Place facialist Kate Somerville. Brotox is a must, as are the sprayon hair and “hair- building

fibres” used by every Hollywood star terrified of having a Friar Tuck patch.

5

Drink clean

Moving from a country of drinkers to a city where

friends will stage an intervention before you’ve finished your second low- alcohol brew won’t be easy. And it may be depressing, because, in L. A., a little numbness can go a

long way.