Tips to rekindle romance
Pandemic has taken toll on intimacy
Relationships have been sorely tested during the pandemic. Therapists report a huge rise in requests for couples’ work, and lawyers cite a noticeable increase in queries about how to instigate divorce or separation.
But it’s not all bad news. A survey of 2,559 parents carried out by Harry Benson for charity Marriage Foundation last November found that while nine per cent of couples reported their relationship had worsened, 20 per cent said it had improved.
These conflicting findings illustrate the push-pull so many couples experienced last year. Almost everyone felt trapped and irritated after spending months with a partner and/or children in a space that had effectively “shrunk” because it had to serve as home, classroom and workspace. This, plus uncertainties about health and jobs raised cortisol levels and lowered testosterone, causing libido to plummet.
At the same time, however, the overwhelming uncertainty made many couples feel too frightened to take major decisions. As a result, they simply remained in spent relationships.
When restrictions ease, will there be a chance to rekindle your relationship. What’s the best way?
The first step would be to spend more time apart. We’re still being told to work from home if possible, and if you haven’t already, it’s still worth establishing a clear work space for each of you — equal space, even if one of you works fewer hours than the other or will be going back to the office part-time. Hopefully you can find places to work without seeing your partner. If not, face away from one another. The aim is to make it feel like you’re each “at your office” when working.
When it is OK to do so, meet friends outside your home and pursue permitted activities you enjoy. You’ll probably want to do some things together, but make sure each of you spends substantial time with your own friends and pursue your own activities. That way, when you come back together you’ll have new experiences to talk about.
When you’re together, capitalize on your rekindled mutual interests by asking questions that allow you to discover new things about one other. When Arthur Aron and colleagues at SUNY paired participants and asked them to discuss questions that encouraged positive self-disclosure — for example, “What’s your most treasured memory?” or “What’s something you’ve always hoped to do?” — couples subsequently reported feeling closer to one another.
Look for opportunities to touch one another in ways you both enjoy. Loving touch stimulates the production of oxytocin. Finally, and most importantly, thank your partner for any kindnesses you notice. Showing mutual appreciation and respect will do more than anything to reawaken intimacy.