So long, long song

Calgary’s AMP recently became the first Canadian radio station to adopt the QuickHitz format, which edits all of its pop songs down to versions no longer than two minutes. But what can you really say in less time than it takes to microwave popcorn? David Berry cut pop hits of the past and present off at the twominute mark to figure out what they’re about.

FANCY, IGGY AZALEA Long version She’s fancy, and she needs three-and-ahalf minutes to explain that, even though you apparently already know Two-minute version Still pretty fancy, although you will be completely in the dark about Iggy’s stance on “touching that” and who, exactly, that (I-G-G-Y, just to be clear)

HAPPY, PHARRELL WILLIAMS Long version Can’t nothing bring him down Two-minute version Still pretty indomitable, but seems about 50% less happy for some reason DARK HORSE, KATY PERRY FEAT. JUICY J Long version Katy Perry tells you that if you ever break her heart, she will cut you. SHE WILL CUT YOU. Two-minute version Still enough threatening to make you want to run away, but without the endorsement from Juicy J that even though she is like Jeffrey Dahmer, he thinks he loves her BABY GOT BACK, SIR MIX-A-LOT Long version Sir Mix-a-Lot explodes the vicious lie that men only appreciate small, non-much-packed backs Two-minute version Amplebutted women will forever be in the dark about how, precisely, to get in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s Mercedes BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY,

QUEEN Long version A poor boy laments his impending doom, is terrified of what might await him, and briefly considers fighting his fate Two-minute version A kind of whiny guy dies in the gutter, with a very resigned “Too late, my time has come” NOVEMBER RAIN,

GUNS N’ ROSES Long version Axl Rose really lays out the mixed-up reasons why two people are drawn to each other, explaining the push-and-pull of love as semidestructive, totally inescapable force Two-minute version Axl Rose recommends against buying candles on cloudy days in November

THE WRECK OF THE EDMUND FITZGERALD, GORDON LIGHTFOOT Long version Twenty-nine sailors are swallowed by the unforgiving waters of Lake Superior and her terrifying early November gales Two-minute version A bunch of guys on a ship sure don’t like the look of those clouds HEY JUDE, THE

BEATLES Long version Jude learns that he must stop stalling and take responsibility for his own life — nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah Two-minute version Though he doesn’t learn that the movement he needs is on his shoulder, Jude does spend a lot less time dicking around in the land of Nah