National Post (National Edition)
I have an idea to fix government! No, really. Hello?
Hello, Fred? Listen, I’ve got this great new idea ... No really, better than the beer-sicles. Yeah, I told you, I’m sorry about your freezer. But I’ve thought of something really cool the government could do. Basically make us healthier, wealthier, wiser and nicer. In under four years.
What? No, not Kathleen Wynne, her ministry is arrogant and incompetent. Not Trudeau, he’s nice but clueless. Brad Wall? Ugh. Bureaucrats? Fred, I’m not talking about bureaucrats or politicians. I mean the government, the collective will of the people, our higher self ... Fred, you have a negative attitude.
See, here’s how it would work. The government could get people to ... yeah, it would cost money ... No, no, we can still balance the budget, it’s just ... Fred, listen to me for a sec here. The government could get people to be nicer and smarter by ...
Yeah, sure, I’ve listened to Question Period. No, I don’t want the rest of us acting like that. But see part of my idea is a new kind of politics, change you can believe in, that sort of … Oh. We had that. Well, different change then. Changely change. Maybe even some exciting new candidate who’d promise to change the electoral system to really reflect the popular will so we could ...
Dang it, Fred, I wish you wouldn’t keep getting bogged down in these petty details. If you’d just listen to my idea you’d see how good it is and then we could write a great op-ed and bring it up at some candidates’ meetings and get them to promise to ... What? Well, I’m sure at least one of them would, it’d be a hot issue, and then ... What if all of them did? Then we couldn’t lose because it would be bound to be implemented whoever won. Eh? Say what? “Like balancing the budget?”
No, I mean an idea the public would love and that the government would ... Well, if it didn’t we’d just vote in a new lot who would ... Fred, don’t harp on the deficit, okay? You haven’t even heard my idea yet.
See, the government could get people to care for one another more than they do by ... Yes, I know that’s what the current social programs are for, but they’re badly designed, they focus on spending not results, they’re rigid and inefficient and promote dependency and are unaffordable.
My idea wouldn’t come out like that because for one thing it includes the government making the economy work better so there’d be more tax revenue.
Yes, yes, the Parliamentary Budget Officer says our existing infrastructure “stimulus” program can’t even find things to splurge on, while monetary policy encourages borrowing on mortgages that restrictive mortgage policy then discourages. But we can’t get hung up on negativity.
In fact a key part of my plan is people wouldn’t be so crabby and cynical all the time because the government would even make rules about what it was nice to say and … Eh? If we’re “Islamophobic” why would we vote in politicians to wash our mouths out with sweet-smelling soap? Well gee, Fred, why did we vote in politicians to balance the budget who then borrowed like crazy to pay for things we secretly wanted more?
No, I don’t … It was a rhetorical question. What I mean is, government knows better than us, right? I mean why else do we want a “national strategy” for every imaginable problem, from Alzheimer’s to salty food to homelessness to concussions? Because the government is …
Unpopular? Inefficient? Fred, what planet are you from?
Oh. The planet where it takes the Canadian government five years just to hold a competition to build a fighter plane, over two decades to buy helicopters and 12 to get a backpack? Where our national debt is over $600 billion and rising fast and our demoralized public service is overpaid when the new system that took seven years to install pays them at all?
Yes, I also know the CPP has an unfunded liability bigger than the national debt. As for publicsector pensions … But Fred, dare to dream! My idea would unite and inspire us, it would be cheap and effective, and ... No, I’m not on medication. Though we should bring pharmaceuticals into our centrally planned health -care system to save money.
No, Fred, it’s not the first time someone had a good idea about government that didn’t work out, but ... Well, yeah, okay, the same bureaucracy would have to design and implement it, but they’d be told by the new politicians to ... What have health care waiting lists to do with it?
I know what I said about beersicles. But this time for sure. I mean, what could go wrong with government in charge? Hello? Fred? Are you there? Strange. He hung up.
I KNOW WHAT I SAID ABOUT BEERSICLES. BUT THIS TIME FOR SURE.