‘I don’t know how you do it’

Single-parenting has drawbacks, but serene joys

You get used to the comments after a while. For me, a single mother of a two-year-old son, they started about the time that I brought my son home from the hospital.

“I don’t know how you do it. My husband was out of town for three days, and I nearly lost my mind.”

“I’m pulling my hair out, and there are two of us.”

I often wonder what might happen if I expressed similar concern for my married counterparts.

“Your husband was pestering you for sex eight weeks post-delivery? I don’t know how you can stand sleeping in the same room as him.”

“You make the childcare arrangements and plan all your daughter’s activities? I’d be so resentful.”

All of these comments reflect truths. In my case, it’s that parenting without a partner is hard. The tasks of daily life that are challenging for two-parent families to manage — drop-offs, pickups, lunch-making, doctor appointments — can feel next to impossible when there’s only one adult to do them. An evening work event or out-oftown trip is a costly logistical nightmare. A public transit delay, a near catastrophe. There’s no one to entertain my son while I shower, dash to the store or go for a run.

Parenting solo can also be lonely. My son’s father and I have a friendly, if casual, relationship. We dated briefly and broke up amicably, just weeks before I discovered I was pregnant (a joyous surprise to me, a less welcome one for him). He visits, and he and our son have fun together. But based on our mutual agreement, he doesn’t play an active parenting role. I don’t call him to marvel at our son’s accomplishments, discuss concerns or kick around major decisions. And although I’ve dated, I haven’t been in a serious relationship since my son was born.

But married parents have their own struggles. Although having a partner makes many things easier, it also brings additional complexities. I’ve listened to many female friends talk about how uninterested in sex they were, post-baby, and the guilt or tensions it caused. Sometimes these struggles resolve over time. Sometimes they do not.

Single parenting is not uniquely challenging, it’s differently challenging, filled in equal measure with longing and contentment. For my son, I yearn for someone who would compensate for my parenting shortcomings.

But parenting with a partner would require me to sacrifice some of what I’ve appreciated most about my son’s early years. I like being the one who sets the boundaries and establishes the routines. I am grateful my heart’s limits haven’t been tested. That in my son’s earliest years, my emotional priority has been uncontested.

While single-parenting is hard at times, it’s also the most natural thing that I’ve ever done. The exhaustion I experience coexists with joy, the frustration with gratitude.

I suspect that is the case for all parents.