The best of

There is a correct answer when asked that most philosophical of questions: “Would you like fries with that?” Yes, obviously. Am I an animal? There is nothing more basic, beautiful and all-American than the not-so-aptly named french fry. A fried sliver of potato, it is a greasy, buttery, salty slice of heaven, so synonymous with the average fast food combo meal that it is a simple fact that one cannot properly enjoy a burger without a side of fries. And so, here they are, ranked:

You never forget your first love. Some say we spend our lives trying to find it again, lover after lover, pre-conditioned to look for all those same traits over and over again. And for most of us, what came first was McDonald’s. So it goes without saying that when you have a taste of fresh McDonald’s french fries, there is no going back. The first bite can transport you to a higher plane, where there are colours and smells and textures you didn’t know existed. Even when they’re cold, even when they’re a day old, they manage to hit the spot. The salt, albeit often overdosed, hits each and every taste bud on your tongue for an orgy of flavour that will leave you forever claimed. And with a hit of sweet-and-sour sauce, it quickly becomes clear there is no argument as to the best french fries.

It takes a special kind of fry to taste equally as life-changing when fresh or soggy. In fact, it’s almost a magical feat, which is why Harvey’s fries (which are identical to Swiss Chalet’s at adjoining restaurants, where they are cut and cooked fresh) deserve a mention even just for their durability. These babies are in it for the long haul. But one does not hand Swiss Chalet fries the gauntlet without the customary sauce, so unanimously delicious, that the flavour was even adapted into a potato chip by Lays, because if there’s anything Swiss and Harvey’s can do right – okay, aside from chicken – it’s found in the way they handle potatoes. made of. SADAF AHSAN What your dirtiest diabetic dreams are

Cooked and double-fried in the bubbling depths of peanut oil, Five Guys fries are unique not only in their buttery taste but in grease stains. These fries are guaranteed to soak through your paper bag, drench your burger’s quaint foil wrap and leave the sort of stain on your table and in your stomach that you will fondly remember for months to come, or until you make your next trip to the restaurant – or the ER. But it isn’t just the taste that makes Five Guys French fries a must, it’s the portions. Grab up a small, and your bag will be bursting, so much so, you may as well tear the paper bag and eat right out of it, proudly wiping your hands on your jeans when you finish like you’ve just performed an oil change. Days later you’ll grab those jeans and give them the sort of sniff you might of a deceased lover’s old t-shirt. These are, perhaps a bit too literally, to die for.