Holding a grudge is self-toxic, expert says

Most of us have harboured feelings of resentment after being hurt or deceived. It seems justifiable to do so, particularly when the pain was unexpected and feels utterly undeserved.

A close look at grudge-holding shows, however, that the only person who suffers is the one who holds the grudge. As Angela Buttimer, a psychotherapist in Georgia, put it, “When we hold on to grudges and resentment, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.”

Johan Karremans at Radboud University in the Netherlands reviewed a number of studies on the relative effects of grudge-holding and forgiveness. He found the inability to forgive was inversely related to the psychological well-being of the offended, particularly in relationships with a strong commitment. John Gottman, expert in marital well-being, would agree. He notes that when couples hold on to resentment, their negative feelings only intensify and separation becomes more likely.

That’s not surprising: anger increases confrontation, and sabotages the chance of finding compromise. This was demonstrated in a study at Georgetown University, where groups of people were shown different video clips designed to produce no strong feeling or one of three negative emotions — anger, disgust or sadness.

Researchers tested participants’ ability to take the perspective of another, for example by asking them to imagine a game of chess from their opponent’s viewpoint. Angry participants were less able than others to imagine any point of view other than their own.

Nursing a grudge — and in particular feeling anger rather than experiencing negative feelings generally — may also compromise physical health, particularly as we grow older. Meaghan Barlow at Concordia University compared the relative effects of holding on to anger with those of feeling sad in a group of older adults. Those who were angry had higher levels of low-grade inflammation and suffered more chronic illnesses than those who felt sad, and this was particularly so among the oldest participants. In other words, it’s not the life event, but how you process it that counts.

Holding a grudge is clearly toxic if someone has hurt you, so how can you let go of your anger? You could simply try imagining yourself forgiving the other person — studies have shown even this can help us feel more in control of negativity.

The Stanford Forgiveness Project teaches participants to become more forgiving by challenging their own fixed beliefs, considering alternative explanations for the other person’s behaviour, and learning to become aware of and control their own emotional state through relaxation and breathing techniques.

Forgiving means letting go of negative feelings only. Once anger goes, trust the logic that remains.