How to cash in on culture wars

This week, Hasbro earned itself several days of international headlines by declaring that Mr. Potato Head would become gender-neutral — before swiftly walking back that claim amid overwhelming blowback. Assigning gendered pronouns to the potato-themed toy was “limiting when it comes to both gender identity and family structure,” the toymaker said Thursday morning. By Thursday afternoon, however, the official Hasbro Twitter account was saying that “MR. & MRS. POTATO HEAD aren't going anywhere and will remain MR. & MRS. POTATO HEAD.”

The effect of the fiasco has been millions upon millions of dollars of free advertising for a product that, frankly, was never all that fun to begin with. For any other savvy corporations looking to cash in on the free publicity of entering the culture wars, we humbly suggest the following.

COCA-COLA

Coca-Cola is currently doing yeoperson's work in looking to stamp out whiteness among their corporate staff. But their outreach must extend into the wider community. It's time that America met a drink that grapples with the legacies of racism and oppression. Coca-Cola Do The Work would be marketed exclusively towards consumers identifying as white. Uncarbonated, unsweetened and flavoured solely with ash and cellulose, the cola will allow buyers to get just a taste of what it is to live in a system where their lives and refreshment have no value.

TOYOTA

Checking the oil. Ensuring adequate tire pressure. Filling up the gas tank. These are all impositions on vehicle owners by a colonialist and ableist patriarchy that places the white supremacist concept of self-reliance above all else. Thus, introducing the Toyota Unite, a vehicle welcoming to people of all colours and abilities by requiring no maintenance. The car has no hood, no gas cap and no means for basic seat and mirror adjustment: All of that is taken care of at Toyota “Safe Centres” where the vehicles must be taken every few days.

PHILIP MORRIS

In a $20 million Leaves of Progress marketing campaign, the tobacco multinational will highlight all of the problematic individuals who have been taken early by smoking-related cancers. Actor John Wayne once said, “I believe in white supremacy until the Blacks are educated to a point of responsibility,” but died of painful stomach cancer thanks to his six-pack-a-day smoking habit. Walt Disney personally greenlit the racist atrocities of Dumbo, Song of the South and Space Mountain, but his reign of terror was brought to an early close by lung cancer. “Every step toward equality has obstacles, but Philip Morris has been helping to clear the way since 1847,” says the campaign's motto.

SAMSUNG

If there's any clearer sign of the societal normalization of rape culture, it is the constant defilement of our smartphones. Each inserted headphone jack, each plugged-in charging cable, is a tiny phallic act of violence upon a yonic machine that is designed to be a willing, even enthusiastic recipient of its own degradation. The Samsung Affirm smartphone will abandon the brutal imagery of its predecessors by featuring no ports of any kind. It cannot be charged.

RAYTHEON TECHNOLOGIES

Raytheon knows that trans people exist, and that trans rights are human rights. Henceforth, all Tomahawk Land Attack Missiles produced by Raytheon will carry the trans flag on their tail fins, where they are most likely to survive after detonation against a foreign target. In this, Raytheon is proud to bring awareness of trans rights to a diverse global audience.

HOT WHEELS

Mattel's flagship toy car brands can never fully atone for decades of whitewashing American auto culture. How many thriving minority communities were bulldozed to make way for freeways to accommodate white men shaped by the toxic masculinity of Hot Wheels. In a baby step toward reconciliation, Hot Wheels will release the “America's Shame” series. The limited edition set will feature 25 cars, each highlighting another dark chapter in U.S. history. There will be a “Massacre at Wounded Knee”-themed Lamborghini Countach, a Chevrolet Impala to commemorate the CIA-based overthrow of Indonesian President Suharto, and a Tuskegee Syphilis Study Volkswagen Superbeetle.