National Post (National Edition)
Winning ways to achieve mediocrity
Among my favourite book titles is “How Not To Play Chess.” As one of my favourite author names is “Eugene A. Znosko-Borovsky.” But I digress. The point is that the world is full of advice on how to be incredibly great and it's nice work if you can get it. However what most of us actually need, in most areas, is clear explanations of common basic blunders.
Consider “How Not To Play Golf.” If you ever saw me try you might rush forward, book contract in hand. But the simple, vital fact is that if I understood what I was doing wrong, I might have struggled out of the slough of triple-bogey to the sunlit fairway of mediocrity. I never did.
Yes, mediocrity. In school they say you can be anything you want, along with much other nonsense and the occasional genuine nugget like SOHCAHTOA. But you can't. So forget the rah-rah seminars. Nothing I could ever have done would have let me win a Stanley Cup with the Maple Leafs. Or any other team, I hasten to add, since the Leafs present special problems. But I might not kill all the leaves in my garden.
Likewise, young people probably gravitate to blog posts on how to have the greatest marriage and best sex ever. But “10 Ways to Get Divorced Within 5 Years” would be more useful, along with “10 Good Ways to Get Fired.” Still, I mentioned the Leafs so let's dry our eyes and discuss them.
Elsewhere in Canada there's apparently this “Battle of Alberta.” But in the centre of the universe, while we're not exactly bitter about the dreaded Buds not winning a playoff series since 2004, never mind a cup, it is intriguing. Sure, the other guys get paid too. It's still a remarkable achievement.
No, really. If you could explain it, I'd buy “How Not To Play Hockey” and read it. There isn't one player left today from 2005. Management has seen massive turnover. Yet there's this amazing continuity of predictable futility.
A Google search “Why are the Yankees so good” brought 57.6 million hits in 0.51 seconds. But face it. You're not Mickey Mantle and neither am I. Whereas if anyone could persuasively list ways an organization can sustain a culture of failure over decades, you'd arise each day clad in the armour of avoidance. Which brings me to the Ontario election.
If you were wondering when, as a pundit, I'd say something oracular about the leaders' debates between Doug Ford, Andrea Horwath and Steven Del Duca, I flip through my well-worn “How Not To Be Oracular” and make a vulgar noise. Then I retort that “leaders' debates between Doug Ford, Andrea Horwath and Steven Del Duca” is an oxymoron. I know we play the game “ELECTION PANEL: Who won the Ontario debate?” where a NDP strategist hails Horwath, a Liberal Del Duca and a Tory Ford. But one important reason we have such lousy politicians is we pretend otherwise. (See also “How Not To Retain Readers.”)
Aha! A key to failure hidden in plain sight. Just as a key to the Leafs' long run of incompetence is sellout arena crowds, and to endless health-care waiting lists re-electing people who call our system world-class, so Ford coasting to victory by being so vague it stifles discussion happens because we reward it. As we reward world-beating school lockdowns and avoiding intelligent debate there too.
Actually there are two keys here. Though to avoid “How Not To Use Metaphors” let's substitute “two numbers in the combination” to unlock durable world-class inadequacy. Namely complacency and self-deception. Because it's hard to be smug if you're also honest with yourself about yourself. And with others.
For instance, I confess that I didn't watch the pundit-obligatory debates because the intellectual sloth, rhetorical sludge and appalling self-satisfaction of participants and commentators alike make me physically ill. Sure, it's “How Not To Get Along With Colleagues.” But I will not pretend I have not seen this. It's trivial compared to the Holodomor that prompted that inspiring resolve in Malcolm Muggeridge. But one legitimate key to success is practising on easy things before tackling hard ones.
Like king and pawn endings. All I can really tell you about golf is I'm unfit for burial in a bunker. But I could show you what not to do in chess because there I'm exceptionally mediocre.
As for coaching the Leafs, possibly my hockey ignorance would produce better results than we've seen since Paul Martin was prime minister … or Lester Pearson. But on politics, I can state firmly that if they're telling lies so boring you can't get mad, and you vote for them anyway, you're ready to write “How Not To Be A Citizen” and sell a million copies. Even if you don't have a cool name.