Sav­age Love

NOW Magazine - - SAVAGE LOVE - By Dan Sav­age

Sav­age Love Live at Den­ver’s Ori­en­tal The­ater last week was epic. I fielded sex ques­tions in front of a sold-out crowd, singer­song­writer Rachel Lark per­formed amaz­ing new songs, co­me­dian Elise Kerns ab­so­lutely killed it, and Tye – a to­ken straight guy plucked at ran­dom from the au­di­ence – joined us on­stage and gave some pretty great sex ad­vice! We couldn’t get to all the au­di­ence ques­tions dur­ing the show, so I’m go­ing to race through as many unan­swered ques­tions as I can in this week’s col­umn….

you’ve fa­Mously said, “oral coMes stan­dard.” How long be­fore anal comes stan­dard?

How does a week from next Tues­day grab you?

i en­joyed a great sex life With Many kinky ad­ven­tures un­til my hus­band died sud­denly two years ago. I have in­sur­ance $$$ and a house to sell and a dream of us­ing the pro­ceeds to be­come a sex­pos­i­tive ther­a­pist. Crazy idea? Or some­thing the world needs more of?

Judg­ing by how many peo­ple tell me they’re hav­ing a hard time find­ing sex­pos­i­tive, kink-pos­i­tive, open-pos­i­tive and poly-pos­i­tive ther­a­pists, I would def­i­nitely file “sex-pos­i­tive ther­a­pist” un­der “world needs more of.” Chase that dream!

hoW do you in­tro­duce your in­ex­pe­ri­enced-but-will­ing-to-try part­ner to BDSM?

By start­ing a two-per­son book club. Order Play­ing Well With Oth­ers: Your Field Guide To Dis­cov­er­ing, Ex­plor­ing, And Nav­i­gat­ing The Kink, Leather, And BDSM Com­mu­ni­ties by Lee Har­ing­ton and Mol­lena Wil­liams, The Ul­ti­mate Guide To Kink: BDSM, Role Play, And The Erotic Edge edited by Tris­tan Taormino, and SM 101: A Re­al­is­tic In­tro­duc­tion by Jay Wise­man. Read and dis­cuss, and dis­cuss some more – and when you’re ready to start play­ing, take it slow!

What re­sources are avail­able – Which do you rec­om­mend – to share with my male part­ner so he can im­prove (learn) oral sex? (Girl oral sex!)?

Two more book rec­om­men­da­tions: The Ul­ti­mate Guide To Cun­nilin­gus: How to Go Down On A Woman And Give Her Ex­quis­ite Plea­sure by Vi­o­let Blue and She Comes First: The Think­ing Man’s Guide To Plea­sur­ing A Woman by Ian Kerner.

My boyfriend told Me that WoMen or­gasm only 60 per cent of the time com­pared to men. I said I want or­gasm eq­uity. How do I nav­i­gate his pan­syassed male ego to find a so­lu­tion?

The or­gasm gap – 91 per cent of men re­ported cli­max­ing in their last op­po­site-sex sex­ual en­counter com­pared to 64 per cent of women (Na­tional Sur­vey of Sex­ual Health and Be­hav­ior) – doesn’t ex­ist for les­bians and bi women in same-sex re­la­tion­ships. So the prob­lem isn’t women and their elu­sive or­gasms, it’s men and their lazy-ass bull­shit. A con­tribut­ing fac­tor is that women of­ten have a hard time ad­vo­cat­ing for their own plea­sure be­cause they’ve been so­cial­ized to de­fer to men. There’s ev­i­dence of that in your ques­tion: You want to nav­i­gate this prob­lem – the prob­lem be­ing a self­ish boyfriend who doesn’t care enough about you to pri­or­i­tize your plea­sure and has taken cover be­hind the or­gasm gap – but you want to spare his ego in the process. Fuck his pre­cious ego. Tell him what you want and show him what it takes to get you off. If he re­fuses to do his part to close the or­gasm gap in your apart­ment, show him the door.

hoW do you pri­or­i­tize sex With your part­ner when life gets so busy and mas­tur­ba­tion is so much eas­ier? My fi­ancé is down for quick­ies some­times but not al­ways. For­give my tau­tol­ogy, but you pri­or­i­tize sex by pri­or­i­tiz­ing sex. Sched­uled sex can be awe­some sex – and when you’re truly pressed for time, you can al­ways mas­tur­bate to­gether.

hoW do i coMe out to My faM­ily as a strip­per? I’ve been danc­ing for more than two years and don’t plan to stop. Some of my fam­ily mem­bers are bi­ased against sex work­ers, but I’m tired of keep­ing up the fa­cade (I told them I’m a bar­tender).

It’s a catch-22: Peo­ple are afraid to come out to their closed-minded fam­i­lies as queer or poly or sex work­ers or athe­ists, but closed­minded fam­i­lies typ­i­cally don’t open their minds un­til after their queer or poly or sex work­ing or non-be­liev­ing kids come out to them. To open their minds, you’ll have to risk blow­ing them first. Tell them your truth and stand your ground.

i keep hav­ing sex dreaMs about kanye West. What does that mean? You’re Mike Pence.

aM i do­ing so­ci­ety a dis­ser­vice by dat­ing an in­ter­na­tional drug dealer? A sex­u­ally frus­trated in­ter­na­tional drug dealer is ar­guably more dan­ger­ous than a sex­u­ally sat­is­fied in­ter­na­tional drug dealer – so you may be do­ing so­ci­ety a ser­vice.

can i Want to be Mono­gaMous With­out any rea­son­ing? My boyfriend wou-ld probs be in an open re­la­tion­ship, but I’m not in­ter­ested for no rea­son in par­tic­u­lar.

Speak­ing with a low-in­for­ma­tion voter is frus­trat­ing be­cause they can’t tell you why they voted for some­one; speak­ing with a low-in­for­ma­tion fucker – some­one who can’t tell you why they’re do­ing/screw­ing what they’re do­ing/screw­ing – is just as frus­trat­ing. It’s even more frus­trat­ing when the low-in­for­ma­tion/low-self-aware­ness fucker hap­pens to be the per­son you’re fuck­ing. It’s fine to want what you want – be­cause of course it is – but un­less you’re in­ter­ested only in solo sex, you need to be able to share your rea­sons.

i dated a guy Who said he Was in an open re­la­tion­ship. We started work­ing to­gether on a pod­cast. I got ir­ri­tated be­cause after two months he never did any pre­lim­i­nary re­search. When I pointed that out, he deleted all our work and blocked me on FB. Now he’s ask­ing for some stuff he left at my place. Do I give it back?

Yep. As tempt­ing as it might be to hold on to his stuff or trash it, that just keeps this drama alive. If you keep his stuff, he’ll keep after you for it. If you trash his stuff, you’ll have to worry about the sit­u­a­tion es­ca­lat­ing. If you want him out of your life and out of your head, put his crap in a bag, set it on your porch or leave it with a neu­tral third party, and tell him when he can swing by and get it.

hoW clean should a bot­toM be? a little bit of shit is kinda ex­pected, isn’t it? I mean, you are fuck­ing an ass, right?

My ex­pec­ta­tions for ster­ling sil­ver, crys­tal stemware, and fuck­able ass are the same: I want it sparkling. Zoom­ing out: One doesn’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same rea­son one doesn’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food – it’s go­ing to make a mess. Mak­ing sure your mouth is empty is easy, of course, but it’s not that dif­fi­cult to empty or clean out an ass. Also, a good, fi­bre-rich diet emp­ties and cleans out the ass nat­u­rally. Yes, you are fuck­ing an ass, that’s true, and shit some­times hap­pens. The top shouldn’t poop-shame the bot­tom when it does hap­pen, and the bot­tom doesn’t need to have a melt­down. It just means you need to pivot to some other sex­ual ac­tiv­ity – after a quick cleanup re­stores the sparkle.

On the Love­cast: A study of lethal as­phyx­i­a­tion. Spoiler: Don’t do it. sav­agelove­cast.com.

mail@sav­agelove.net @fakedansav­age on Twit­ter ITMFA.org

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