SAV­AGE LOVE

NOW Magazine - - CONTENTS - By Dan Sav­age

Retroac­tive bless­ing

With­out snoop­ing, i came across texts be­tween my wife “Mary” and a guy “Jeremy” of a very sex­ual na­ture. While I would be okay if she were do­ing this and I knew about it, this has been go­ing on since be­fore we met. (We’ve been to­gether 10 years.) She says she has never met him in per­son (de­spite com­mu­ni­cat­ing with him for more than a decade!) and this was the only thing she was do­ing that she thought would have been out of bounds. Again, if I had known, it would have been fine. I’m not okay with her be­ing with other guys, but I know harm­less flirt­ing can be a re­lease. Still, I have is­sues with anx­i­ety and de­pres­sion, and this is def­i­nitely trig­ger­ing me. I do not want to snoop and I want to trust her, but I am hav­ing a hard time with both. Prior to this, it never oc­curred to me that Mary would do any­thing that had a whiff of dis­hon­esty about it. But her hav­ing kept this from me for as long as I have known her has made me ques­tion that. I don’t want to keep bring­ing this up to her, but I am strug­gling with it. What do you think I should do?

Up­set In The Mid­west

I think you should get over it, UITM.

Eas­ier said than done, I re­al­ize, par­tic­u­larly with the twin bur­dens of anx­i­ety and de­pres­sion. But if you would have been fine with this had you known – if there was no rea­son for Mary to hide this LTR-of-sorts from you – the best way to prove that to her is by giv­ing it your retroac­tive bless­ing.

You’re right, UITM: Mary shouldn’t have hid­den this from you. But she as­sumed – in­cor­rectly, as it turned out – you would have a prob­lem with those texts. It was a rea­son­able as­sump­tion on her part, since swap­ping flirty texts with a stranger is re­garded as “out of bounds” by most. While this makes Mary’s fail­ure to dis­close look a lit­tle worse, we live in a cul­ture that de­fines ab­so­lutely ev­ery­thing as cheat­ing – don’t get me started on the id­iocy that is “mi­cro-in­fi­deli­ties” and the id­iots push­ing that toxic con­cept – and as a con­se­quence, peo­ple not only lack per­spec­tive (oh, to live in a world where every­one re­garded harm­less flir­ta­tion as no big deal!) but also the lan­guage to hon­estly dis­cuss our need for a lit­tle harm­less erotic af­fir­ma­tion from some­one who isn’t ob­li­gated to find us at­trac­tive, i.e., not a spouse or part­ner.

Put your­self in Mary’s shoes for a mo­ment. When should she have told you about Jeremy? What would you have done if on the third or fourth date, she looked up from her menu and said, “I’ve been swap­ping flirty texts with this guy for, oh, the last sev­eral years. I have no in­ter­est in him in real life, we’ve ac­tu­ally never even met in per­son, but I en­joy his texts and would like to keep swap­ping texts with him. I hope that’s not a prob­lem.” You would have dumped her on the spot, right? She didn’t want to stop, she didn’t know how to talk about it, she hes­i­tated, and… a decade went by.

If there’s noth­ing else – if no other shoes drop – give this your retroac­tive bless­ing.

Late-night sum­mons

i have an un­usual sit­u­a­tion. i met a girl I am crazy about. She didn’t re­ally have any in­ter­est in me ex­cept for the oc­ca­sional drink; she just wanted to be friends. A few months later, I saw her at a bar. We drank a bit more than we could han­dle and slept to­gether, and I thought we would start dat­ing. A few weeks went by, and she al­ways had an excuse as to why we couldn’t hang out. Then one night, she texted to say she wanted to see me, but I could tell she was tipsy. We went out for a few more drinks and then slept to­gether again. A week later, the same thing hap­pened. When I con­tact her dur­ing the day, she never seems in­ter­ested. But I run over like a starved dog when she calls at night. (Sadly, due to stress and over­work, I usu­ally can’t get hard when I go over. That’s be­come a big is­sue.) She’s very at­trac­tive and I’m sur­prised she has any in­ter­est in me at all, but it’s only when she’s drunk. Be­sides her looks, I’m at­tracted by her per­son­al­ity and in­tel­li­gence. I don’t know what at­tracts her to me ex­cept maybe I’m her booty call, but re­cently I have been ter­ri­ble at it. The last time we hooked up, she told me she’s quit­ting drink­ing. Maybe she won’t con­tact me any­more. My ques­tion: is it worth pur­su­ing this if I get my ED sit­u­a­tion fixed? Or should I just move on and if she does con­tact me one night, I just say, “Sorry, not in­ter­ested”? It’s ob­vi­ous she’s us­ing me. But we ac­tu­ally have good con­ver­sa­tions de­spite us both be­ing drunk and it kinda seems like a date of some sort. What do you think?

Sum­moned With A Text

She’s in­ter­ested in you for only one thing (sex) and at only one time (when she’s drunk, horny, and out of other op­tions)… and she can sum­mon you with a sin­gle drunken late-night text. It’s ac­tu­ally not an un­usual sit­u­a­tion, SWAT – mil­lions of peo­ple have re­ceived sim­i­lar sum­monses. So long as the sum­moned per­son doesn’t want any­thing more than sex from the per­son is­su­ing the sum­mons, Yahtzee: ev­ery­body gets laid, no­body gets hurt. But if the per­son be­ing sum­moned wants more – if the sum­monee has un­re­quited feel­ings for the sum­moner – the sum­moned per­son is go­ing to get hurt. Be­cause what the sum­moner is es­sen­tially say­ing is this: “I want sex; I don’t want you.” Even if the sex is good, the re­jec­tion that comes bun­dled in that sum­mons stings and the hurt grows over time.

So, yeah, stop an­swer­ing that drunk girl’s sum­monses. Let her know you want more than sex, and if she’s not in­ter­ested in some­thing more, you’re not in­ter­ested in her. As for those erec­tile is­sues, SWAT, try hav­ing sex sober, ear­lier in the even­ing, and with some­one who doesn’t re­gard your dick as a con­so­la­tion prize. I bet they clear right up.

Three tragic words

i am a trans­gen­der man and my girl­friend is a trans­gen­der woman, and we have hit a plateau. In­ti­mate time is rare, com­mu­ni­ca­tion is min­i­mal and alth- ough I care for her deeply, I do not like her as a per­son and no longer want to get mar­ried. I have con­sid­ered ask­ing if we could open up the re­la­tion­ship, but I doubt that is the so­lu­tion. How does one end a long-term re­la­tion­ship?

Help Re­la­tion­ship Tran­si­tion

What­ever you do, HRT, please – please – don’t ask to open up your re­la­tion­ship when what you re­ally want is out. A lot of peo­ple who want out do this, and it’s why so many peo­ple be­lieve all re­quests to open a re­la­tion­ship are a sign the re­la­tion­ship is doomed. Peo­ple who want out but ask for open in­evitably get out in the end. Peo­ple who want open and ask for open and get it tend to stay. But since most cou­ples in open re­la­tion­ships aren’t pub­lic about it (most are more com­fort­able be­ing per­ceived as monog­a­mous), peo­ple hear about the in­sin­cere re­quests that pre­ceded a breakup and con­clude all re­quests are in­sin­cere.

Any­way, HRT, how does one end a long-term re­la­tion­ship? One uses one’s words. If “I love you” are the three magic words, then “I’m leav­ing you” are the three tragic words. See­ing as in­ti­macy is rare and com­mu­ni­ca­tion is min­i­mal, it shouldn’t come as a shock to your soon-to-be-ex fiancée.

On the Love­cast, come hang out with the les­bians of the Lez Hang Out pod­cast: sav­agelove­cast.com.

mail@sav­agelove.net @fakedansav­age on Twit­ter Read the Sav­age Love Let­ter of the Day at thes­tranger.com/slog

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