Why does my pe­nis re­ject in­ter­course?

NOW Magazine - - SAVAGE LOVE -

I’m a 59-year-old man In good health.

For ba­si­cally my whole adult life, I’ve had this prob­lem dur­ing in­ter­course with a woman of (1) be­ing very quick to come and (2) hav­ing a too in­tense “cringey” sen­sa­tion when I come. This has led to of­ten go­ing soft at the prospect of in­ter­course. This too-in­tense feel­ing makes me stop mov­ing when I come, which is not sat­is­fy­ing at all. It doesn’t hap­pen with hand jobs or oral sex – they feel fine and good. Is this a known phe­nom­e­non? And, most im­por­tantly, what can I do to get to a point where I can en­joy in­ter­course? This se­ri­ously messes up my en­joy­ment of sex and my con­fi­dence with women. One time, and only one time (out of many with a par­tic­u­lar girl­friend), I had in­ter­course and it felt fine when I came, still thrust­ing, so I know it’s pos­si­ble. I have been prac­tic­ing with a Flesh­light, but it’s still painfully “cringey” when I come. It is not fun and rather de­press­ing. He Al­ways Re­ally Dreads Pen­e­tra­tion

And Re­grets This I shared your let­ter with Dr. Ash­ley Win­ter, a urol­o­gist in pri­vate prac­tice in Port­land, Ore­gon, and the co­host of The Full Re­lease, a sex, health and re­la­tion­ship pod­cast. Dr. Win­ter wanted to note that her com­ments are a gen­eral dis­cus­sion of a med­i­cal topic and NOT in­di­vid­ual med­i­cal ad­vice. She wanted me to em­pha­size this point – which she also em­pha­sizes at the top of her ter­rific pod­cast – be­cause Dr. Win­ter is a re­spon­si­ble doc­tor and not a card-car­ry­ing mem­ber of the Amal­ga­mated Ad­vice Colum­nists of Amer­ica. (Mem­ber­ship in the AACA en­ti­tles ad­vice colum­nists to say pretty much what­ever they want.) “There are three is­sues at play here,” said Dr. Win­ter. “First, the pain or ‘cringey’ sen­sa­tion only as­so­ci­ated with vagi­nal and Flesh­light pen­e­tra­tion. Sec­ond, be­ing too quick to come. And third, erec­tile dys­func­tion. HARDPART in­sight­fully sug­gests his ED may be re­lated to his per­for­mance anx­i­ety as well as an­tic­i­pated pain, and I would agree with this. I would add that his quick ejac­u­la­tion is most likely also caused by a mix of ED and pain – the body adapts to pain and erec­tion loss by let­ting the swim­mers off the hook early.” But why do you ex­pe­ri­ence this pain only dur­ing pen­e­tra­tive sex? What is it about PIV (pe­nis in vagina) or PIF (pe­nis in Flesh­light) that causes those painfully cringey feel­ings? “If he thrusts more dur­ing these ac­tiv­i­ties than he does dur­ing oral or hand stim­u­la­tion, I would ex­pect that ei­ther pelvic floor mus­cle dys­func­tion or a nerve is­sue re­lated to the lower spine could be caus­ing the flairs,” said Dr. Win­ter. “If he were my pa­tient, I would want to know if he has less pain when his part­ner is on top, which would mean his pelvis is mov­ing less. Also, does he have chronic low back pain? Bowel or blad­der is­sues?” Dr. Win­ter and I con­tin­ued to gen­er­ally dis­cuss the med­i­cal top­ics raised by your ques­tion, HARDPART, and we gen­er­ally dis­cussed – this is not, again, in­di­vid­ual med­i­cal ad­vice, but a gen­eral dis­cus­sion – two things some­one with your par­tic­u­lar is­sue might want to think about do­ing. First, a guy with your prob­lem could try tak­ing Viagra – or a re­lated drug – while also us­ing a pe­nis numb­ing spray. And a guy with your prob­lem should also have his pelvic floor checked out. A urol­o­gist can help a guy with a prob­lem like yours de­ter­mine if there’s some­thing wrong with the com­plex web of mus­cles and nerves that crowd to­gether around your junk and, if it is a pelvic floor is­sue, re­fer him to a pelvic floor phys­i­cal ther­a­pist. Fi­nally, a sug­ges­tion from me, the per­son with the AACA card: A guy with a prob­lem like yours – a guy whose dick works a cer­tain way and has worked that way for decades – could save him­self the has­sle of phys­i­cal ther­apy and the side ef­fects of Viagra by ac­cept­ing his dick and the way his dick works. There are women out there who pre­fer oral and out­er­course to PIV, HARDPART, and you could bed those women with con­fi­dence. Fol­low Dr. Ash­ley Win­ter on Twit­ter @Ash­leyGWin­ter, and check out The Full Re­lease pod­cast, which she co-hosts with co­me­dian Mo Man­del, at the­full­re­lease­pod.com.

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