Woman’s friendship is tested

Dear Abby: How can I set healthy boundaries with my best friend without feeling guilty?

I have always been supportive and available because I sympathized with her difficult family dynamics during childhood and adulthood.

She often talks to me about her problems with family and everchanging relationships with men, but rarely allows me or others to share their points of view or personal concerns. Saying “no” to her is challenging under any circumstance, and she demands that all focus be on her in social situations.

I love and accept my friend as she is, and I try to give her all the grace I have. I now realize that setting healthy boundaries is the only way I can sustain our friendship. I know this dynamic may put a strain on our relationship, so why do I feel so guilty? Tested In Northern California

Dear Tested: That’s a good question, and one that I can’t definitively answer for you. It’s possible that like many women, you were raised to believe that if you assert yourself you won’t be considered “nice.”

That’s a mistake because as long as you allow this friend to take advantage of you — and that is what she’s doing — the more your resentment will build until the relationship becomes one of diminishing returns. So tell this selfcentred person as nicely as possible that you are not a therapist, and because her problems persist, she should talk to one.

Dear Abby: Do you ever get tired of giving advice to people who ask common-sense questions, or those who probably know the answer to their problems if they just thought it out? Jim In West Virginia

Dear Jim: The answer to your question is no. I love what I do and consider it an honour to be trusted. While the reply to a question may be obvious to you, it isn’t to the person who asks me. Common sense tends to go out the window when there are strong emotions involved.

Dear Abby is written by Jeanne Phillips, daughter of Pauline Phillips, the original Dear Abby. Write Abby at www.DearAbby.com or c/o The Ottawa Citizen, Box 5020, Ottawa, K2C 3M4. For a reply, send a self-addressed envelope. Abby covers postage. Include name and phone number if you want your letter published.