Mother needs help to bond with child

Dear Abby: Although I love my seven-year-old daughter, “Emma,” I do not “like” her. It’s because I dislike my ex-husband, “Scott,” so much. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and left me while I was pregnant.

I’m happily remarried now, but Emma is a constant reminder of my bad marriage. I feel she’s selfish, rude, lazy and disrespectful — characteristics Scott possesses. I have little tolerance for her behaviour and I’m hard on her.

I have seen several therapists, but nobody has been able to help. Compounding the problem is the daughter I have with my second husband, a little girl I adore beyond words. She’s sweet, kind, friendly and essentially the opposite of Emma. I love this child more than I love Emma, and I’m disgusted with myself for feeling this way. Abby, what can I do? Distressed In Massachusetts Dear Distressed: Try harder to rebuild the bond you didn’t form with Emma when she was born because of your anger at her father. It can still be done, but it will take work on your part. Emma’s behaviour may be the result of how you have treated her, and if YOU can change, so may she.

I’ll share with you a letter I printed several years ago from a mother who shared your problem: Dear Abby: The best advice I ever received for coping with my contrary daughter was from a neighbour who had a surly girl of her own. She made a conscientious effort to be more demonstrative to her daughter, hug her more and hold on a little tighter to show her how valued she was.

I tried it with my daughter. It was awkward at first, but I persevered. I committed myself to loving that unlovable being, and slowly but surely it paid off. At first, she would lean away, but eventually she would ask me to hold on “just one more minute.”

My daughter is 24 now and on her own. Her life isn’t what I would have hoped for or expected, but that’s OK. I’m her touchstone for love and acceptance. I can’t imagine my life without her. Another Mom In California Dear Abby is written by Jeanne Phillips, daughter of Pauline Phillips, the original Dear Abby. Write Abby at www.DearAbby.com or c/o The Ottawa Citizen, Box 5020, Ottawa, K2C 3M4. For a reply, send a self-addressed envelope. Abby covers postage. Include name and phone number if you want your letter published.