Juno Awards predictions
The good, the Bieber, and the painfully mediocre,
Much like being tasked to keep Justin Bieber in his shirt, predicting the results of awards shows is a fool’s errand.
Often it requires to you to crawl inside the heads of people who think about such things as art and talent in an entirely different way, have entirely different drives and entirely different tastes. Or, put another way, it requires dumbing down.
That’s why it’s always a helpful (i.e. self-absorbed) thing to be able to cram your own opinion into the conversation while also acknowledging that not everyone one views the world with such 20/20 vision.
So, with this year’s Juno Awards and the Canadian music industry hitting Regina this Sunday, here’s a list of who the awards should go to and a stab in the dark at those who, ultimately, probably, will get the nod in the major categories.
In other words, pity this poor fool.
SINGLE OF THE YEAR Nominees: Billy Talent (Viking Death March), Carly Rae Jepsen (Call Me Maybe), Hedley (Kiss You Inside Out), Serena Ryder (Stompa), The Sheepdogs (The Way It Is). By far, the easiest one to predict. So easy that there’s no way even the Juno voters could get this wrong. Look at the list. If you’re not immediately mouthing the words, “Hey, I just met you/Call me crazy ...,” then you are actually insane or you’ve been cloistered in a monastery for the past two years (hopefully doing the Lord’s work and making wine and beer). Jepsen’s catchy, saccharine-coated earworm was everywhere, niggling its way into pop culture via incessant airplay, ridiculously stupid YouTube tributes and product placement in things that the kids like. And no, it’s not the most finely crafted pop song of the bunch — Ryder’s glorious, grinding, get-up ’n’ get-down fits that bill — but it was the most omnipresent and that trumps all. Who should win: Ryder. Who will win: Jepsen.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR Carly Rae Jepsen (Kiss), Celine Dion (Sans Attendre), Hedley (Storms), Justin Bieber (Believe), Marianas Trench (Ever After). Ye gods. Out of all of the amazing music created in this country over the past year we’re given a list that only a 14-year-old girl and her francophone mother could compile or relate to. Seriously, faults and all, at least the Polaris Prize shortlist is something to take national pride in and the winner winds up in the ballpark of being artistically sound, but this group of five seems as if it was assembled using names written on the binder of a hopelessly nerdy teenager. In fact, it’s more notable for who’s not here than who is and that’s a list that’s almost too long to print. Who should win (if they were nominated): Diamond Rings, Kathleen Edwards, Leonard Cohen, Rae Spoon ...
Who will win: The Biebs. Consider the Grammy snub now paid in full.
ARTIST OF THE YEAR Carly Rae Jepsen; Deadmau5; Johnny Reid; Justin Bieber; Leonard Cohen. If Album of the Year was embarrassing, then consider this category baffling. Two pop stars, a DJ, a Scottish country-soul star and a musical icon should be the start of a “walked into a bar” joke and not something that a human being should be asked to make sense of, let alone assess. While there is a certain amount of artistry in what each of them do — even lip-synching, temper tantrums and Twitteridiocy — to put them on any similar level, in any equal race is like comparing apples, oranges, bacon, leisure suits and skinny, white teen trainwrecks.
Who should win: If Cohen loses to any of the others on the list in any category other than Least Amount of Cigarettes and Liquor Consumed and Women Seduced then you can head back to that monastery and confidently proclaim,
“God is dead.” Who will win: Reid. On a hunch and an unanswered prayer.
GROUP OF THE YEAR Billy Talent; Marianas Trench; Metric; Rush; The Sheepdogs. Rush would obviously be the Leonard Cohen of the group, considering their 40-year-history, undeniable influence, lasting legacy and their recent induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. An amazing Canadian act that has taken this nation’s music around the world — and into bromance comedies! — they deserve every accolade that comes their way. Except this one. Their latest release, Clockwork Angels, is a fine, solid entry into the Rush catalogue, but it’s not a particularly great record. If that’s what this category is based on — and, as always, it’s entirely debatable that it is — then they should be skipped over for Metric’s wonderful electro-pop offering Synthetica, which is just as globally embraced, and frankly, more current. Their Coachella appearance this year, not to mention the love from Lou Reed, shows that they’ve hit heights that few Canuck bands have hit.
Who should win: Metric. Best album of the bunch.
Who will win: Rush. Hall of Fame Induction. And a Juno. Which do you think means more?