Curses, the No Fun League is back
The National Football League had about the most National Football League week it could possibly have, and it’s enough to make a man curse. I mean, holy s---. Seriously, g----- l----- y-----. Not to work too blue here, but m----- w------ j------------. Sorry, should have told your children to cover their ears. Also, that linebacker over there. Delicate sensibilities.
It took until Week 2 for Chris Mortensen of ESPN to report that the NFL was cracking down on profanity directed toward an opponent, which as we all know is a significant danger in football. Similarly, Sidney Rice of the Seattle Seahawks was penalized for jubilantly spinning a ball too close to a defender after a first-down catch in the Sunday night game, and thank goodness. Like you, I have always worried that if my sons play football they might one day spin a ball at someone in celebration. Next thing you know they’re saluting, or imitating a home run swing, or dancing. As my Plymouth Brethren grandparents might have said, you’ve really got to watch it with the dancing. They were good people, my grandparents, but not the best at parties.
And the NFL is a party, everywhere except the field of play. The rules on uniforms are as specific as those in the U.S. military, and the discipline doesn’t end there. According to Mortensen, Seattle linebacker K.J. Wright was flagged for taunting in Week 1 for “mouthing a loud obscenity at a Carolina player,” which in fairness probably hurt somebody’s feelings. Some might say that, in a game where up to 22 hyper-aggressive men are unleashed in a tenuously storm of chaos and pain, the occasional curse word directed at one of the other hyper-aggressive men might not only be understandable but appropriate.
But no, this is the NFL, where the name “Redskins” is finally becoming controversial again. Prominent journalists are refusing to use it in their copy, and the commissioner is saying that, if even one person is offended, the NFL needs to listen, and clearly the NFL loves listening. So on the one hand, it’s pretty clearly a name based on racism, steeped in racism and indicative of racism. On the other, it’s traditionally racist. Like University of Alabama sororities!
But wait! Spitting hot furious profanity at one another is another football tradition, along with square jaws and the forward pass and crippling arthritis. What is the worry regarding football players taunting one another during football games? Will they try harder to hurt one another, in a league where the one suspension over a head shot from Week 1 was reversed on appeal? Will their profanity be picked up by microphones? Will a player call another player a “Dan Snyder,” which is the worst insult in the NFL, followed closely by “Dr. Elliott Pellman”? My stars, what a shock. No, seriously, I see stars, and am experiencing what feels like lightning bolts running down my arms.
Also, the Washington debate has missed a critical point: The Redskins should change their name just so nobody knows their first two games this season were them.
Last week, this space went 6-10, though that did include failing to predict Buffalo’s last-second win over Carolina, after a 5-10-1 week to begin the season, so, progress? Honestly, one of these weeks this space will just flip this space’s picks after making them and let it ride. Like George Costanza in that one episode of Seinfeld where he does the opposite of his every instinct. The NFL should try that sometime.
As always, all lines could change.
THE PICKS
GREEN BAY (-3) AT CINCINNATI
Last week, Washington’s Brandon Meriweather concussed Green Bay’s Eddie Lacy with a flying headshot, then concussed himself trying another one. Meanwhile, in a move that probably concluded with the writer doing karate hands at the screen, NFL.com wrote a piece this week about Major League Baseball’s problem with concussions.
Pick: Green Bay ST. LOUIS (+4) AT DALLAS
Three games have been delayed by weather so far this season, starting in Denver and carrying on to Tampa and Seattle. Two of those games were prime-time specials. You know what that means, right? Time for the NFL to sue the crap out of those causing climate change, like Cowboys Stadium, which uses more power than Liberia.
Pick: St. Louis CLEVELAND (+6) AT MINNESOTA
The Browns traded running back Trent Richardson to Indianapolis for a first-rounder Wednesday, one year and two games after the previous regime traded up to draft him. Basically, the Browns are tanking, but hey, who can’t trust Cleveland owner Jimmy Haslem to do things right?
Pick: Minnesota BUFFALO (+1) AT N.Y. JETS
When the Bills completed a nine-play, 80-yard, lastminute drive with a touchdown throw by rookie quarterback E.J. Manuel, it tied the score at 20 with the extra point pending, leading the Bills Twitter account to write, “EXTRA POINT GOOD!! OVERTIME HERE WE GO!” It was very Bills. They may not be fully prepared for winning, yet.
Pick: Buffalo INDIANAPOLIS (+10) AT SAN FRANCISCO
The NFL has apparently been secretly suing the singer M.I.A. for $1.5 million US after she flipped the bird during her 2012 Super Bowl halftime show performance in Indianapolis, claiming her contract said she would “acknowledge ... the tremendous public respect and reputation for wholesomeness enjoyed by the NFL.” Wholesomeness!
Pick: Indianapolis JACKSONVILLE (+19) AT SEATTLE
One of the most lopsided point spreads in history, which seems fair, as one of these teams crushed the 49ers Sunday night while breaking NFL stadium noise records that prompted letters of complaint, and the other had an Orlando TV affiliate apologize for having to air its games and a “sign Tim Tebow” rally in the same week.
Pick: Seattle THE LEFTOVER PICKS Houston (-2.5) at Baltimore
N.Y. Giants (+1) at Carolina Detroit (+2.5) at Washington
San Diego (+3) at Tennessee Arizona (+7) at New Orleans
Tampa Bay (+7) at New
England Atlanta (+1) at Miami Chicago (-2.5) at Pittsburgh
Oakland (+15) at Denver Last week: 6-10 Season: 11-20-1