Moving too quickly into sex may be hindering search for a relationship
Q: I’m an attractive woman, late-20s, beginning a professional career, but currently still living with my parents for financial reasons.
I consider myself a confident person. However, I seem to be endlessly repeating the same mistakes with dating.
I had one long relationship in my late teens/early-20s, but since then I can’t get past three or four dates with guys, even guys I like and with whom I see a potential future.
Usually these men will come on strong, pursue me, compliment me, and then after we get physical, the relationship quickly fizzles out.
Some had specifically told me that they’re looking for someone for the long-term.
I’m left confused. I’m OK on my own, I have friends, family, and other interests, but I’d like to find the right mate. What could I be doing differently?
— Striking Out
A: From your details, it seems you usually get physical by about the third date. In a guy’s terms, he’s already scored. If that were your original goal too, you’d be fine and ready to move on to someone else.
But if you thought someone was “future” material, three dates was too soon. I’m not being a prude — early sex is fine if that’s the reason you’re dating.
In your case, it’s a giveaway before you’ve had a chance for both of you to find common interests, tap each other’s sense of humour, talk and learn about each other.
It’s worth a try to go slower but steadier next time, with a positive approach.
Q: My husband’s severely depressed. It started as anxiety 16 years ago, but for many years he’s been sinking into a blackness.
Part of me wants to pack up the kids and leave. He’s mostly either abusive or neglectful. His condition’s escalating.
I recently had to return to work because his self-employed business is no longer viable as he makes no effort.
Yet we’ve been together over 20 years, and when he’s not depressed he can be amazing. I know he has an illness and if I leave he’ll have no support.
He’s also suicidal, and needs monitoring to stop anything drastic.
He refuses treatment. Several years ago he went to counselling and anger management, because I’d left with the kids due to the abuse. When I returned, he gave it up.
I believe leaving again won’t push him back into treatment.
He pretends his depression stems from my “failures” and because both children have autism spectrum disorders (ASD — our eldest also suffers from other mental health issues).
My husband resorts to physical abuse (pushing, grabbing, blocking exits, threatening, or intimidating gestures) if I suggest his getting help, though emotional abuse is more frequent.
I’ve been forbidden from seeking help or support for myself.
What are my options?
—Impossible Choices
A: Get counselling privately any way you can. Accepting the dictates of an abusive depressed person who’s also suicidal is potentially dangerous for you and your children.
His behaviour is already emotionally harmful to your vulnerable children.
Take charge of looking after you and them, and then you’ll do the best you can with the situation. He offers only defensive orders and bullying because he’s not in control of his mental state.
A counsellor will help you look realistically at options. Also, contact a suicide hotline or distress centre to learn where/how to get help for him immediately should a crisis occur.
If you do decide to leave, make sure you have a privately prearranged plan that’s safe for you and the kids.
Q: Our good friends invited my husband and me to join them along with another “close couple” of theirs.
Over dinner together, the husband behaved boorishly — burping and passing wind aloud, repeatedly.
The wife was chattily selfpromoting, but when asked to describe her work, or how she got into it, avoided answering so that she came across as not very credible.
We like our initial friends a lot, and are surprised that they’re often in this couple’s company.
How do we politely avoid further invitations to be with these friends of theirs without insulting the people we do like a lot?
—Too Many
A: Be “busy” the first time you’re invited to join them, and again on the second time. Meanwhile, see your friends another time. If asked to join with the others once more, be honest but not harsh: “They’re just not a comfortable match for us. We’d rather see you two without them.”
TIP OF THE DAY
If you rush early dating towards having sex, there’s not much mystery left.