Forgiveness isn’t always deserved
As Advent unfolds and Christmas draws near, a steady stream of carols, commercials and very special episodes begin exhorting the virtues and value of forgiveness. Even for those who don’t celebrate, it’s impossible to escape the New Year marketing blitz about “becoming a better you,” as life coaches encourage spiritual cleanses to mirror the ones involving green juice and nut milk. It’s that most wonderful time of the year, when people are supposed to break bread together without breaking a sweat. But all too often, asking for forgiveness is just an excuse for demanding an apology.
This week, Janay Rice went on the Today Show with her mother and explained to Matt Lauer that officials from the Baltimore Ravens had asked her to apologize for “her role in the incident.” The incident happened almost a year ago in February. The incident was her husband, Ravens running back Ray Rice, knocking her out with a punch to the face and dragging her unconscious body out of an Atlantic City casino elevator.
Discovery of surveillance video of the incident started a scandal that threatens to destroy the career of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, as well as Ravens management. Ray Rice, who has already apologized numerous times to fans and to the NFL, alleges that the Ravens tried to cover up the video and prevent it from becoming public. Despite claims from the Ravens and NFL leadership that they only saw video of the incident after it was released by TMZ months later, some players said they had already seen the footage. And during a meeting with Goodell, Rice told the commissioner that he had hit his partner. Because of this, the NFL has gone on a charm offensive, starting an initiative to curb domestic violence among players, who have a relative arrest rate of 55.4 per cent for domestic violence.
For causing all this fuss, Janay Rice was asked to apologize.
“They basically gave us a general script,” she said, explaining that, “I was ready to do anything that was gonna help the situation.”
By “the situation,” she seems to have meant her husband’s career, the Ravens’ image, the NFL’s position as a supporter of major advertising budgets, and, finally, her own identity. Both Janay and her mother explained over and over again that she was “not the type” of woman who would accept “that kind of treatment,” as though women whose partners hit them in the face have some sort of choice in the matter.
She added: “At the end of the day, I got arrested too. I did something wrong, too.” She forgot to mention that the charges against her were dropped. Or that she married the man who hit her a day after his indictment on assault charges, thereby ensuring that she could not be compelled to testify against him. But she did remind us of her role in the relationship: “I was (Ray’s) protector before this. From people with motives, people who wanted to take advantage of him. That was nothing new.”
Demanding an apology instead of begging for forgiveness is nothing new, either, especially when it comes to the NFL. This week, members of the St. Louis police insisted that Rams players apologize for using the “hands up, don’t shoot” gesture made famous by Ferguson protesters when entering the field. In both cases, white authorities have asked black people to stop making them feel shame for their policies, for taking advantage of what Toni Morrison recently called the “useful” infrastructure of racism. As though their vague discomfort was somehow more important than the pain of real violence.
This season, as you contemplate forgiveness, consider who actually deserves it. And why they’re asking for it. And what they have to gain.