Girlfriend’s hate is over the top
Q I read your advice all the time, but I rarely share your insight with my girlfriend of 10 years because she’s is easily angered and hates my mother. She regularly states that she hates her, and whenever we mention her, it becomes a fight between us.
She’s become very abusive physically, mentally and emotionally. She also hates my family and doesn’t want to be around them, and hates it when I randomly stop at my house to visit.
She constantly tells me we’re not going to live with them, we’re going to live alone or else.
I love her dearly, but how do I deal with this? I’m starting to dislike her.
Bitterly Divided
A If you and this woman had a decent relationship (and you do NOT), I’d say plan on being a couple living together on your own, and visit your family together.
But her “hatred” is over the top. The fact that she’s also physically, mentally and emotionally abusive makes it clear that you need to recognize that you’re in a very unhealthy relationship. Your parents and other family members likely see this, causing your girlfriend to sense their disapproval.
SHE is the negative factor in all this. The love you feel may be emotional dependence after so many years together, or some kind of co-dependence you two share that’s based on her controlling you and you trying to please her.
It won’t work. The fights will get worse. Worse, she’ll isolate you from the people who care most about what’s happening to you.
If you can get to a therapist, do so. If it’s impossible while being in the relationship, end it. You need counselling help to understand why you accept abuse, and to regain your self-confidence.
It IS possible to love someone and also be close to parents and family, but not with this woman as your partner.
It’s also possible to NOT live with your parents once you’re in a healthy union, in order to establish yourselves as a mature couple capable of being responsible for yourselves.
But this too can’t happen with your current girlfriend who’s so domineering, and full of hatred.