Bring up secret sexual desires before the marriage happens
Q My fiancée and I are happy, but there are things that I don’t know how to discuss, sexually.
She’s not a sexual person, and I’m the complete opposite. There’s stuff that I’m into, that I have difficulty revealing. I feel awkward about what I’m into. But I want to talk about them without feeling uncomfortable.
How do I do this and stop dwelling on uncomfortable thoughts? Sexual Secrets
A It’ll be far more disturbing to your fiancée to find out after you’re married that you’re into some sexual practices that upset her. Secrets can undo a happy relationship. They imply that you didn’t trust her enough to share sensitive information, and she can’t trust that you’re not hiding things. So you must be open and honest with her. Also, you need some close confiding talks about how deep your “opposite” feelings go and how you two can be comfortable together sexually.
If your secret will likely be shocking to her, talk to a counsellor about it in order to better understand yourself and this particular desire.
Then, gently open up a dialogue — about your different sexual attitudes, any unusual previous experiences you both had, and what you each expect and want from your sexual relationship.
You may need to see a sex therapist together to explore all this, but that can be a huge benefit to your relationship.
Q My wife and I almost never argue except for major blowouts
over clutter. Our children are all young adults but my wife keeps enough of their toys to staff a daycare. The floor of our spare bedroom was covered toys, boxes of baby blan with kets, papers to be filed and baby clothes.
Recently, we had a major argument because I put the and blankets in spare clothes room drawers and stored the toys on basement shelves.
My wife seemed paranoid that I’d thrown something out.
To add to the stress, I’m going for major cancer surgery in two weeks and need a sense of order around me — it’s the one thing I can control right now.
She’s keeping things for the grandchildren, but there are none in sight and we can afford to buy new toys when babies come. Clutter Crisis
A Clutter’s a tough issue because what seems so logical to one side is deeply disturbing to the other.
It’s about control, and stems from embedded emotional needs — hers for surrounding herself with objects of sentimental value (her kids and past), yours for managing your environment. Finding a place for everything makes sense, while throwing things out could’ve been disastrous to your relationship at a time when that’s worse than the clutter.
Focus now on your health and recovery after surgery.
When healed, ask each child to help you out by taking their own stuff and keeping what they want for their future children and give away the rest to kids who need those items now. Perhaps if she went to a women’s shelter and saw children playing with some of the toys, her sentimental needs would be fulfilled.