Mom afraid to leave bad relationship

Q When I met my on-off boyfriend of nine years, he helped me leave a very abusive relationship, which I’d been trying to flee for years.

I was also struggling with mental illness/addiction and on a self-destructive path.

However, he’s still married to his ex. They’re legally separated and haven’t been together for years.

We now have two children together. He keeps promising to clear up his divorce and gave me an engagement ring.

But I know that he may never finalize his divorce. He’s selfemployed and hasn’t dealt with tax issues, which he lied to me about.

When I ask why he hasn’t finalized things, I never get a clear answer. I think it’s related to proving his income.

I feel like a fool because I love him.

He’s also lied about his age, which I discovered when we travelled together.

He’s 20 years older than me and we can never have a future because he has bad debts.

I want to move on but don’t feel able to manage on my own. I feel depressed and trapped, longing for a real life.

He hides me from friends and family. I feel that my children and I are invisible.

Hidden Partner

A He rescued you when most needed, and you love him, which makes it hard to confront the negatives. But you need to learn whether, in your jurisdiction, there are common-law benefits to you — especially child support and help with accommodation — despite his not being divorced, should you leave him or he dies.

Tell him you and the children can’t be left with nothing. If he won’t divorce, he needs to write a will leaving you whatever he can — home, any private savings, etc. But make sure you’re also not left with his personal debts.

If you decide you must leave him, get advice from a local YWCA or Family Service Association that helps single moms find housing and gives emotional support.

Dear Readers: I was rightly taken to task by a reader who objected to the short response I gave to a teen struggling with how to tell parents about being bisexual (June 9). I hurried to finish a column and had only limited space left. But that’s a poor excuse. Here’s a much-needed fuller response:

Q I’m 18 and unsure how to come out to my family as bisexual. I feel very overwhelmed emotionally and physically.

Terrified

A The organization PFLAG can help both you and your parents. In the United States, it’s billed as “the largest organization for parents, families, friends, and allies united with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer.”

PFLAG Canada volunteers are also experienced at hearing from frightened adolescents and teens, and from their parents, who may be fearful, angry, ashamed or just needing more understanding. Call 1-888-530-6777.

Another helpful resource is Kids Help Phone for teens (1-800-668-6868).

Also, through the website safeteens.org you can find tips directed to your age and situation, as well as support groups.

If you need backup and have access to a school counsellor or your family doctor, they or a trusted family friend may help you talk to your parents.

If your relationship’s been good with your family, say how much you need their support, and explain what you can.